Subject: Sex (Page 3)

Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics.

The only thing wrong with being an atheist is that there's nobody to talk to during an orgasm.

Agatha Christie has given more pleasure in bed than any other woman.


(1929 – ) British television & radio critic

I never drink water… fish f**k in it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I have this! Are you interested?

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Like most comics, I just broke up with my girlfriend… the reason we broke up is because I caught her lying – under another man.

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher!"

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Nobody in their right mind would call me a nymphomaniac; I only sleep with good-looking men.

(1954 – ) British poet, novelist, travel writer & journalist

When my old man wanted sex… my mother would show him a picture of me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs less.

(1923 – 1964) Irish poet, short story writer, novelist & playwright

What do atheists scream when they come?

(1961 – 1994) comedian

As life’s pleasures go, food is second only to sex… except for salami and eggs; now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.

(1927 – 2004) American comedian & actor

Nobody's ever offered me money to have sex… sure – a Bud Light and a basket of curly fries, but not cash.

(1970 – ) American stand-up comedian & voice actor

I didn’t have sex at all, not a scrap til I was 67… and that was cause I had no small change for the window cleaner.

(1953 – 2016) British comedian, actress, singer & screenwriter

Gold Medal Specialists. Sprints! Relays! Marathons! Hot and Raring to Go.

Sex is a bad thing because it rumples the clothes.

(1929 – 1994) U.S. first lady, wife of John Fitzgerald Kennedy & book editor

I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I learned whether you are gay, bisexual, it doesn’t matter, you know… because, at the end of the day, they’re both gross.

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress