Subject: Sex (Page 3)

My mum walked in on me wanking and looking at her wedding pictures. "You perv!" she screamed at me.
It's not what you think, Mum… I was looking at the priest.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Sex with me when I'm really drunk is like being at the dentist… you can tell something's going on but you don't exactly know what it is.

(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director

Definition of a Jewish nymphomaniac: A woman who will make love the same day she has her hair done.

(1946 – ) British actress, columnist & comedian

Bragging that you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got Doritos out of a vending machine.

(1974 – ) American comedian

When a man says he had pleasure with a woman he does not mean conversation.

(1709 – 1784) English author, essayist, critic, editor & lexicographer

I rely on my personality for birth control.

(1961 – ) comedian, writer, radio & television personality & blogger

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

Beat Your Way to the Top: Masturbation as a technique for business success

The three words you never want to hear while making love… honey, I'm home.


Not nearly as exciting as it would be if I were acknowledged as one of the greatest lays in the world.

(1925 – 2006) American actress

It's so unfair because I go out of my way not to treat women like objects and end up having to treat objects like women.

stand-up comedian

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Well I don’t see why I have to make one man miserable when I can make so many men happy.


And just remember, the best thing about kids… is making them!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Physics is like sex; sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.

(1918 – 1988) American physicist

Nothing risqué, nothing gained.

(1887 – 1943) theater critic & commentator

One night I figured – let my wife make the first move… she went to Florida.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

[Leonard & Alice are kissing] Leonard: Damn it, I can’t. I can’t do this.

Alice: Is it my tongue stud? ‘Cause if that freaks you out, you’re in for a real surprise later on.

(1978 – ) American actress

Allan: You were fantastic last night in bed.
Linda: Oh, thanks.
Allan: How do you feel now?
Linda: I think the Pepto Bismol helped.

1946 – ) American film actress, director & producer

Wife Swapping: Sexual fourplay.