Subject: Sex (Page 5)

It doesn’t matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don’t do it in the street and frighten the horses.

(1865-1940) English actress
Sex

The only advice I ever got from my dad is this: sex is like pizza, even when it's bad you still gotta pay for it.

(1962 – ) American stand-up comedian, writer, actor & radio host
Sex

When you don’t have any money, the problem is food; when you have money, it’s sex; when you have both, it’s health.

(1926 – ) Irish American novelist & playwright
Health Money Sex

To please a woman in bed, all a man has to do is a poetry course; they also have to learn that the Kama Sutra is not an Indian takeaway and that the mutual orgasm is not an insurance company.

(1958 – ) Australian author
People Sex Women

In public school my daughter was voted most likely to conceive.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Relationships School Sex

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Health Sex Situations

I once knew a woman who offered her honor, so I honored her offer, and all night long I was on her and off her.

Sex Wordplay

Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage.

(1942 – 1999) American actress
Beliefs Marriage Sex

If you’re going to have sex with a stranger …. always, always, always ask.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Marriage Sex

Don’t bother discussing sex with small children… they rarely have anything to add.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Children Communication Conversation Family Sex Speech

My vagina is like Newark [New Jersey]; men know it’s there, but they don’t want to visit.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Self Sex

I once went on a date and asked the woman if she'd brought any protection… she pulled a switchblade on me.

writer, website creator
Dating Sex Situations

The closest I’ve ever come to saying "no" [to a woman] is "Not now, we’re landing."

(1947) is an American actor, author & producer
Sex

Hey, for your information, people of our generation think sex is a private thing. And I still think that’s a pretty healthy way of looking at it. Sex is something between you and the person you’re doing it to!

(1940 – 2018) English-American actor & comedian
Sex TV/Movie Quotes

Pedophiles don't want to be called pedophiles; they want to be called priests.

American stand-up comedian
Sex

I’m not a good lover, but at least I’m fast.

(1958 – ) standup comedian, actor, game show host & photographer
Sex

It’s so annoying ‘cause it’s such a portable, good snack, but if you’re a girl and you want to eat a banana all of a sudden you’re in the position of like, how to I de-dick this delicious treat…?

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer
Food/Drink Sex

For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.

(1925 – 2012) author, playwright, essayist & screenwriter
Age Law Old Sex

My mother said it was simple to keep a man: you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom; I said I’d hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit.

(1956 – ) American model & actress
Family Men Mothers People Relationships Sex

There wasn't a man alive who could drink me into bed!

(1907 – 1982) American journalist, editor & author
Alcohol Sex