Subject: Sex (Page 32)

Stand-up is a lot like sex… there’s a lot of crying involved and I get paid to do it.

(1982 – ) American actress & comedian
Entertainment Sex

I almost got a girl pregnant in high school; it's costing me a fortune to keep the rabbit on a life-support system.

(12/06/1953 – ) American actor, comedian, director & game show host
Sex Situations

The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Marriage Problems Sex World

Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.

People Sex Women

Ecstasy: Happiness with its clothes off.

Definitions Emotions Happiness Sex

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Food/Drink Sex

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher!"

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Self Sex

I didn’t have sex at all, not a scrap til I was 67… and that was cause I had no small change for the window cleaner.

(1953 – 2016) British comedian, actress, singer & screenwriter
Money Sex

The only advice I ever got from my dad is this: sex is like pizza, even when it's bad you still gotta pay for it.

(1962 – ) American stand-up comedian, writer, actor & radio host
Sex

The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform.

(1894 – 1956) American biologist & professor
Sex

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

(1923 – 1966) stand-up comedian, writer, social critic & satirist
Family Relationships Sex

The average man thinks about sex every… what were we talking about?

(1964 – ) American comedian
Men People Sex

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Sex TV/Movie Quotes

The trouble is not that players have sex the night before a game, it’s that they stay out all night looking for it.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
Baseball Sex Sports

Now I keep reading that I'm over the hill sexually; I don't even remember having a sexual peak when I was 19; I just remember apologizing a lot.

(1959 – ) American stand-up comedian
Sex

Hey, for your information, people of our generation think sex is a private thing. And I still think that’s a pretty healthy way of looking at it. Sex is something between you and the person you’re doing it to!

(1940 – 2018) English-American actor & comedian
Sex TV/Movie Quotes

Gold Medal Specialists. Sprints! Relays! Marathons! Hot and Raring to Go.

Sex Signs Sports

Once a woman has given you her heart you can never get rid of the rest of her body.

(1664 – 1726) English architect & dramatist
Emotions Love Sex Women

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Fights Sex

My mum walked in on me wanking and looking at her wedding pictures. "You perv!" she screamed at me.
It's not what you think, Mum… I was looking at the priest.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Sex