Subject: Sex (Page 31)

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement; I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Wives

Erotica is using a feather, pornography is using the whole chicken.


Sex

Sex isn't necessary; you don't die without it – but you can die having it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Sex

My wife wants sex in the back of the car… and she wants me to drive.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Driving Sex

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Beliefs Sex

If it weren’t for pick-pocketers, I’d have no sex life at all.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex

Outside every thin woman is a fat man trying to get in.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
Appearance Body Fat Men People Sex Women

Like having a large wardrobe fall on top of you with the key still in the lock.

Sex

Only thing that’s worse than walking in on your parents making love is walking in on your grandparents making love.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Age Family Relationships Sex

The average man thinks about sex every… what were we talking about?

(1964 – ) American comedian
Men People Sex

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Sex

It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Beliefs People Religion Sex Women

In every group of girlfriends, there’s that one who is the sluttiest; if you don’t have that friend, you’re that friend.

(1981 – ) American Comedian
Girlfriends People Sex

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "no one drag is enough."

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex

To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent; she can't wait to disprove it.

(1904 – 1986) English-American actor
Dating Sex

If he's stuck with the shrew, I hope he screws everything that's not tied down.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Marriage Sex

… geronomous zones and the floorplay, you spoil all the waddya call the mystiqueries of things.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops Sex

Agatha Christie has given more pleasure in bed than any other woman.


(1929 – ) British television & radio critic
People Sex

I was [having sex] with this girl… and it was pretty wild; I explained to her that I’d not had it in 2 years because I’d been in the VD clinic.. she replied ‘How’s the food? … I’m going in tomorrow!’

(1948 – ) British stand-up comedian
Health Sex

A lot of people are very critical of modern reproductive processes without understanding all the ins and outs.

(1940 – ) English professor, medical doctor, scientist & politician
Sex Wordplay

I don’ t know if you’ ve read my book, “Advanced Sexual Positions: How to Achieve Them Without Laughing.”

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Sex TV/Movie Quotes