Subject: Situations (Page 11)

If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is, he's the reason you all live underground.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker
Government People Situations

How to locate the slow-moving traffic lane or check-out land: Get in it.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

Went to court for a parking ticket… I pleaded insanity.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

Proverbs Situations

People who live in glass houses have to answer the door.

People Situations

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
Communication Situations

Dick Clark went to a psychic; she told him, in a previous life, he was Dick Clark.

comedian
Life Past Situations Time

Ain’t ya never heard silence is gold?

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops Situations

If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing slowly… very slowly.

(1911 – 1970) American burlesque entertainer, actress, author & playwright
Situations

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

(1874 – 1963) American poet
Government Memory Situations

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Proverbs Situations

Set aside half an hour every day to do all your worrying; then take a nap during this period.

Situations Sleep

Hell is a half-filled auditorium.

(1874 – 1963) American poet
Entertainment Situations

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Animals Situations

Even a spotted pig looks black at night.

Expressions Situations

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies; mine read, “Be quiet for a little while” Hand his read, “Talk while you have a chance.”

Food/Drink Situations

The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Situations Time

I picked up a hitchhiker… you've got to when you hit them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Situations

I’ve never known a Groundhog Day like this and I’ll have to go and see the film to find out what it’s all about.

English football player, manager & sports commentator
Misspokements Situations

If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody is around to hear it, and it hits a mime, does anyone care?

(1950 – ) American cartoonist The Far Side
People Situations

My father was stupid; he worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Intelligence Situations Stupidity