Subject: Situations (Page 38)

I’m drowning here, and you’re describing the water!

(1937 – ) American actor
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

How to locate the slow-moving traffic lane or check-out land: Get in it.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the seven dwarves.

British comedian
Situations

When a broken appliance is demonstrated to the repairman, it will work perfectly.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

I understand that the doctor had to spank me when I was born, but I really don’t see any reason he had to call me a whore.

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress
Situations

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me – come a little closer!"

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

With Photoshop so readily available, there’s no reason ever to have a party for a two-year-old.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & writer
Children Family Situations

It arrived by first-class mail in second-class condition.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist
Situations

People who live in glass houses should masturbate in the basement.

(1972 – ) Irish comedian & television presenter
Sex Situations

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet, so I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’… you probably saw our posters.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Situations

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Health Situations

Hell is a half-filled auditorium.

(1874 – 1963) American poet
Entertainment Situations

We're like two peas in a pot.

Malaprops Situations

It is easier to stay out than get out.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Situations

It is better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors without end.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

All the good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.

(1892 – 1942) American painter
Animals Ideas Intelligence Situations

The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Murphy’s Laws People Situations

Castro couldn't even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet.

(1913 – 1994) 37th U.S. president
People Places Situations

Went to court for a parking ticket… I pleaded insanity.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Power outage at a department store yesterday, twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

comedian
Situations Things