Subject: Situations (Page 38)

The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you are in the bathroom.

Places Situations World

I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once… so I can make a cart.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Situations

A barrel of monkeys would be a lot of fun… unless it's been sealed for 6 or 7 months.


Situations

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills… my doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Health Situations Sleep

There is always one more son of a bitch than you counted on.

Murphy’s Laws People Situations

They say being a hostage is difficult… but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

Phil Nichol Canadian comedian, singer-songwriter & actor
Situations

I bought a cheap piece of land… it was on someone else's property.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink Situations

You ever been on a date so bad, the girl makes you drop her off at another dude's house?

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian
Dating People Relationships Situations Women

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Life Situations

Buying my wife a gun is sort of like me saying, 'You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise.'

(1963 – ) American stand-up comedian
Arms Conflict Killing Situations

Depend on the rabbit’s foot if you will, but remember, it didn’t work for the rabbit.

American humorist
Situations

It's bad luck to be superstitious.

Situations

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Situations

I had my palm read; I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

I was wondering why a Frisbee appears larger, the closer it gets… and then it hit me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Food/Drink Situations

Parenthood is a lot easier to get into than out of.

(1941 – ) poet, author, editor & anthologist
Children Family Situations

What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Beer Emotions Situations

He never seemed to be doing anything, and yet he did not like to be disturbed at it.

(1807 – 1892) American poet & advocate of the abolition of slavery
Characteristics Situations Work

No one has a finer command of language than the person who keeps his mouth shut.

(1882 – 1961) politician
Communication Language Situations