Subject: Situations (Page 6)

Sometimes I'm so bored at a party, I'll slip myself a roofie.

comedian & author
Drugs Self Situations

Elvis transcends his talent to the point of dispensing with it altogether.

(1945 – ) author, music journalist & cultural critic
People Situations Success

Doug probably fell while he was looking for a place to jump.

(1944 – 2014) American actor, director & writer
Situations

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Situations Time

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.

(1942 – ) humorist & radio broadcaster
Characteristics Intelligence Situations

Don’t ever take a fence down until you know the reason why it was put up.

(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist
Situations

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Health Sex Situations

Right now, I couldn't get laid in a women's prison with a fistful of pardons.

Sex Situations

If I had been the Virgin Mary, I would have said "No."

stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer
Sex Situations

For a while I didn't have a car, so I drove a helicopter… I didn't have anywhere to park it so I tied a rope to it, and left it running.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

Trade-offs have been with us ever since the late unpleasantness in the Garden of Eden.

(1930 – ) economist, social commentator & author
History Situations

I agree with everything you say, but I would attack to the death your right to say it.

(1937 – ) British playwright & screenwriter
Communication Situations Speech

There’s only one thing I can’t do that white people can do, and that’s play pranks at international airports.

British-Asian comedian
People Self Situations

We had to pull the plug on my grandmother ’cause I needed the outlet for my laptop.

(1981 – ) American comedian, writer & actor
Relationships Situations

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Accidents Failure Situations

The squeaky wheel gets replaced.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Shopping Situations

If you can't fix it with duct tape you haven’t used enough.

Problems Situations

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.

(1952 – ) American columnist & author
People Self Situations

There ought to be a better way of starting the day than having to get up.

(1907 – 1987) journalist & columnist
Life Situations

The quarterback’s spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop.

(1953 – ) comedian, political commentator and television & radio personality
Football Situations Sports