Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Situations
(Page 6)
Sometimes I'm so bored at a party, I'll slip myself a roofie.
Karen Bergreen
comedian & author
Drugs
Self
Situations
Boredom
Parties
Elvis transcends his talent to the point of dispensing with it altogether.
Greil Marcus
(1945 – ) author, music journalist & cultural critic
People
Situations
Success
Celebrity
Elvis Presley
Talent
Doug probably fell while he was looking for a place to jump.
Harold Ramis
(1944 – 2014) American actor, director & writer
Situations
Irony
On the death [by accidental fall] of friend Douglas Kenney
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Anonymous
Situations
Time
Pizza
Police
Society
I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.
Garrison Keillor
(1942 – ) humorist & radio broadcaster
Characteristics
Intelligence
Situations
Denial
Reality
Don’t ever take a fence down until you know the reason why it was put up.
G.K. Chesterton
(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist
Situations
Fences
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Health
Sex
Situations
Headache
Hookers
Right now, I couldn't get laid in a women's prison with a fistful of pardons.
Anonymous
Sex
Situations
Prison
If I had been the Virgin Mary, I would have said "No."
Margaret Smith
stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer
Sex
Situations
Virgin Mary
For a while I didn't have a car, so I drove a helicopter… I didn't have anywhere to park it so I tied a rope to it, and left it running.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations
Things
Helicopters
Trade-offs have been with us ever since the late unpleasantness in the Garden of Eden.
Thomas Sowell
(1930 – ) economist, social commentator & author
History
Situations
Garden of Eden
Trade-offs
I agree with everything you say, but I would attack to the death your right to say it.
Tom Stoppard
(1937 – ) British playwright & screenwriter
Communication
Situations
Speech
Freedom
There’s only one thing I can’t do that white people can do, and that’s play pranks at international airports.
Nish Kumar
British-Asian comedian
People
Self
Situations
Race
We had to pull the plug on my grandmother ’cause I needed the outlet for my laptop.
Dan Mintz
(1981 – ) American comedian, writer & actor
Relationships
Situations
Grandmothers
Plugs
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Will Rogers
(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Accidents
Failure
Situations
Right track
The squeaky wheel gets replaced.
Lafayette's Reprisal
Murphy’s Laws
Problems
Situations
Squeaky wheel
How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
Erma Bombeck
(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Shopping
Situations
Sales
If you can't fix it with duct tape you haven’t used enough.
Anonymous
Problems
Situations
Duct tape
Repairs
The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.
Maureen Dowd
(1952 – ) American columnist & author
People
Self
Situations
There ought to be a better way of starting the day than having to get up.
Earl Wilson
(1907 – 1987) journalist & columnist
Life
Situations
Getting up
Mornings
The quarterback’s spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop.
Dennis Miller
(1953 – ) comedian, political commentator and television & radio personality
Football
Situations
Sports
Page 6 of 53
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