Subject: Situations (Page 6)

When a person tells you, “I’ll think it over and let you know” — you know.

(1918 - 2002) American author
Communication Situations

Giving away baby clothes and nursery furniture is a major cause of pregnancy.

novelist & travel writer
Children Family Situations

In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Situations

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped; I said, “No thanks, I’m not going that far.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Men People Situations Women

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean… I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

I spent twelve years training for a career that was over in a week; Joe Namath spent one week training for a career that lasted twelve years.

(1949 – ) American Olympic athlete
Activities People Situations Sports

Last week the candle factory burned down… everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things Work

A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.

(1907 – 1973) poet & critic
Situations Sleep Speech

It’s all right for a perfect stranger to kiss your hand as long as he’s perfect.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Situations

I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said “if you need anything, I’m Jill”… I’ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations

They say familiarity breeds contempt but I hardly know you.

(1949 – ) English-born Australian musician, writer, actor, composer & record producer
Situations

I'm not embarrassed going to a drug store anymore to buy a condom; although, the woman behind the counter said, 'Save your money; buy a lottery ticket.'

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian
Shopping Situations

I once caught a peeping Tom booing me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Situations

I was filling out a questionnaire that said, “Who would you most like to sleep with – anyone living or dead?” I said “Anyone living.”

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex Situations Wordplay

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
Future Situations Time

Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences.’ I say, ‘Oh my God, me neither!’

comedian & animator
Situations

I hope Iman took a good book on the honeymoon.

Sex Situations

Don't worry, I'm merely catching up with sleep.

Epitaphs Situations Sleep

The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression.

(1950 – ) American cartoonist The Far Side
Situations