Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Situations
(Page 6)
I tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't… my arm kept moving.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations
Shadows
My wife has cut me down to once a month; I'm lucky…
I know two guys she cut off completely.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage
Sex
Situations
Wives
A plastic surgeon's office the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!
Alfred E. Neuman
fictional mascot and cover boy of
Mad
, an American humor magazine
Body
Situations
Nose
Plastic surgery
There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics
Situations
Cowardice
Protections
Temptation
I put tape on the mirrors in my house, so that I won’t accidentally walk through another dimension.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather
Situations
Dimensions
Mirrors
Without this great land of ours, we would all drown.
Professor Irwin Corey
(1914 – ) American comic & actor
Situations
I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.
Jimmy Kimmel
(1967 – ) American television host, producer, writer & comedian
Situations
Alone
It's like, I hate getting up in the morning, unless it's over and over and over and over again… then I'm good.
Kyle Dunnigan
American comedian & musician
Situations
Sleep
Alarm clock
Snooze button
Things are gradually falling into place on top of me.
Ashleigh Brilliant
(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Problems
Situations
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, "On your mark…"
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Characteristics
Situations
Depression
Priest
Suicide
Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.
Jon Stewart
(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Activities
Sex
Situations
Earth Day
Hacky-sack
Never mistake motion for action.
Ernest Hemingway
(1899 – 1961) author & journalist
Situations
Work
Action
Motion
The sign said "eight items or less”… so I changed my name to Les.
Rod Schmidt
People
Self
Situations
Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
Robert Byrne
(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator
Situations
Moccasins
Smell
Banquet doorman: Your coat, sir?Lt. Frank Drebin: Yes, it is. And I have a receipt to prove it.
Leslie Nielsen
(1926 – 2010) Canadian actor
Situations
TV/Movie Quotes
As Lt. Frank Drebin in “The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear”
Never miss an opportunity to relieve yourself; never miss a chance to rest your feet.
Edward VIII (Duke of Windsor)
(1894 – 1972) King of the United Kingdom
Situations
Rest
Urination
An old friend will help you move; a good friend will help you move a dead body.
Jim Hayes
Friends
People
Situations
Dead body
Moving
If you're walking down a street, it is never funny to pick up a child and run.
Eugene Mirman
(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker
Situations
Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year.
Victor Borge
(1909 – 2000) Danish-born comedian & pianist
Situations
Time
Santa Claus
Visiting
If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.
Anonymous
Characteristics
Expressions
Situations
Good
Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits.
Satchel Paige
(1906 – 1982) baseball player
Intelligence
Situations
Contemplation
Sitting
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