Subject: Situations (Page 8)

You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? … that’s why I never take baths.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

To make an enemy, do someone a favor.

Murphy’s Laws People Situations

Strategy is buying a bottle of fine wine when you take a lady out for dinner; tactics is getting her to drink it.

(1920 – 1998) English comedy writer, radio & television personality
Dating Situations

Last week I helped my friend stay put – it’s a lot easier than helping someone move – I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Characteristics Situations

The one who snores will fall asleep first.

Murphy’s Laws Proverbs Situations Sleep

Let’s face facts, shall we?… There is a very real possibility that this could also be the last day of the rest of your life.

(1939 – ) television newscaster
Death Life Situations

It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.

(1877 – 1962) English journalist, novelist & reporter
Situations

I think that maybe if women and children were in charge we would get somewhere.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Children People Situations Women

I tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't… my arm kept moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, "On your mark…"

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Characteristics Situations

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way; I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Situations

Take: To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Situations

You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Death Life Situations

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening… but this wasn't it.

Situations

I knew a guy who had a waterbed on a houseboat, to cancel out the rocking.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.

(1900 – 1965) diplomat & Democratic politician
Appearance Situations

Do unto others, then run.

(1924 – 1992) English comedian & actor
Situations

My son has taken up meditation… at least it's better than sitting around doing nothing.

typographer
Relationships Situations

I was at the breakfast table this morning and I read in the newspaper that more and more adults are living at home with their parents; that surprised me, I was like “Mom did you read this?”

(1957 – ) American comedian
Family Situations

The Ku Klux Klan actually adopted a highway, which is futile, because that just means, anywhere you go, there's just going to be white trash on the streets.

(1961 – ) comedian, writer, radio & television personality & blogger
Situations