Subject: Situations (Page 8)

If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody is around to hear it, and it hits a mime, does anyone care?

(1950 – ) American cartoonist The Far Side
People Situations

There are two tragedies in life; one is not to get your heart’s desire, the other is to get it.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Life Situations

If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me that question… wait a minute, I do have a dollar for every time I've been asked that question.

American basketball player & coach
Basketball Situations Sports

I understand that the doctor had to spank me when I was born, but I really don’t see any reason he had to call me a whore.

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress
Situations

Borrowing has a bad name, but you would be surprised how it helps in a pinch.

(1884 – 1949) American humorist & literary critic
Situations

What we really want is for things to remain the same but get better.

(1917 –1986) American journalist
Situations

I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages.

(1921 –2003) American editorial & war cartoonist
People Self Situations

I spent twelve years training for a career that was over in a week; Joe Namath spent one week training for a career that lasted twelve years.

(1949 – ) American Olympic athlete
Activities People Situations Sports

Sometimes, I like to read the Bible in public and yell out, ‘Oh Bullshit!’

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Situations

Before he died my father told me he never really walked to school without any shoes.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
Death Fathers School Situations

When I answer the door the kids hand ME candy.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Self Situations Ugly

I had my palm read; I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

(1874 – 1963) American poet
Government Memory Situations

Strategy is buying a bottle of fine wine when you take a lady out for dinner; tactics is getting her to drink it.

(1920 – 1998) English comedy writer, radio & television personality
Dating Situations

The only way of catching a train I ever discovered is to miss the train before.

(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist
Situations Time

Whoever said nothing is impossible obviously hasn't tried nailing Jell-O® to a tree.

(1950 – 1994) Canadian actor & comedian
Situations

To be an ideal guest, stay at home.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor
Situations

There is no conceivable amount of money worth telling the world that you were beaten up by Liza Minnelli.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Money Situations

I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Situations

Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest? … What is the logic in that? … do tall people burn slower?

(1963 – ) American comedian & writer
Situations

Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year.

(1909 – 2000) Danish-born comedian & pianist
Situations Time