Subject: Things (Page 24)

Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Computers Murphy’s Laws Things

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
 then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Places Things

If you play with anything long enough, it will break.

Murphy’s Laws Things Time

Upgraded and Improved: Didn't work the second time.

Definitions Situations Things

I put a new engine in my car, but didn’t take the old one out and now my car goes 500 miles an hour.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Things

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?

comedian, commentator, radio host, reporter & writer
Computers Language Sex Things

If you can’t navigate a one-level, five-item phone tree, you didn’t need a computer anyway.

Computers Murphy’s Laws Things

A finished product is one that has already seen its better days.

(1912 – 2010) Canadian-born American radio & television personality & humorist
Things

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Autos Proverbs Things

Bought an ant farm the other day… them fellas didn’t grow shit.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Situations Things

Antiques: Furniture that is too old for poor folks but the right age for rich people.

Definitions Things

How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs Body God Things

A falling nozzle will turn toward you and land on its trigger.

Problems Things

Window Screen: A device for keeping flies in the house.

Definitions Things

You ever get a new cell phone and you're too lazy to transfer all the numbers over, so you just stop being friends with a bunch of people?

stand-up comedian, writer & actor
Things

Good parking places are always on the other side of the street.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

Everything put together sooner or later falls apart.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? … It sounds like a near hit to me!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Car Pool: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.

Autos Definitions Things

An artist is somebody who produces things that people don’t need to have.

(1928 – 1987) painter, printmaker & filmmaker
Entertainment Things