Subject: Things (Page 29)

I got a smoke alarm at home… but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding.

(1959 – ) American comedian
Autos Things

An object at rest will be in the wrong place.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Put the trash in the Hipsy-Hampster.

Malaprops Things

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

People can have the Model T in any color – so long as it's black.

(1863 – 1947) automobile industrialist
Autos Things

Why are there an interstate highway in Hawaii?

(1946 – ) American comedian
Things

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Emotions Things Women

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

I recently purchased a yo-yo at a flea market for just 15 cents – no strings attached!

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Things

For a while I didn't have a car, so I drove a helicopter… I didn't have anywhere to park it so I tied a rope to it, and left it running.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

Can a 3-D printer make ink cartridges for a 2-D printer?

(1983 – ) American stand-up comedian & writer
Things

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, “Dude, thanks for the hammock.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Things

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Language People Things

Antique: An object that has made a round trip to the attic.

Definitions Things

The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.

Murphy’s Laws Places Things

Men like phones with lots of buttons; it makes them feel important.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Communication Men People Things

I saw one of those giant Hummer cars with handicapped tags on it; I thought, 'Wow, I never realized that being an a**hole was technically a handicap.'

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos Health Things

User: The word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.”

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Computers Things

I Xeroxed my watch and now I can give away free watches.


Things

Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding.

Murphy’s Laws Things