Subject: Things (Page 34)

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
Autos New York City Situations

If only two cars are left in a vast parking lot, one will be blocking the other.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

The two leading recipes for success are building a better mousetrap and finding a bigger loophole.


Success Things

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
God Men People Things

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Communication Computers Science/Weather Things

A million monkeys were given a million typewriters… it’s called the Internet.

(1967 – ) English comedian
Communication Things

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Arms Situations Things

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Computers Fools Intelligence People Things

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Arms People Things

No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end up covered with grease and motor oil.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

The Yugo has come out with a very clever antitheft device… they made their name bigger.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Autos Things

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Autos Situations Things

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Things

Everything put together sooner or later falls apart.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

Thingy: Female Interpretation: Any part under a car’s hood; Male Interpretation: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

Definitions Men Things Women

Piano: A parlor utensil for subduing the impertinent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Entertainment Music Things

Last week the candle factory burned down… everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things Work

User: The word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.”

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Computers Things

It is difficult to see why lace should be so expensive; it is mostly holes.

(1880 – ?) American author
Things

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Communication Life People Things