Subject: Things (Page 34)

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean… I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

An artist is somebody who produces things that people don’t need to have.

(1928 – 1987) painter, printmaker & filmmaker
Entertainment Things

I've got to tell you, that's a gorgeous four-and-a-half hour drive in from the airport.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Places

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs Clothing Things

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Communication Situations Things

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, …

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

Boomerangs: They're making a comeback!

Headlines Things

Antique: Something too old to be anything but too expensive.

Definitions Things

The accessibility, during recovery of small parts which fall from the work bench, varies directly with the size of the part and inversely with its importance to the completion of the work underway.

Murphy’s Laws Things Work

If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I Xeroxed a mirror and now I have an extra Xerox machine.


Things

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Communication Computers Things

You might be a redneck if… the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

Remember folks, stop lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.

(1948 – 1990) comedian
Autos Science/Weather Things

If you don’t know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That’s the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

Photograph: A picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Art Definitions Things

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce – instantly.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Past Things Time

Science has always been too dignified to invent a good backscratcher.

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author
Science/Weather Things

You do not need to put an Obama sticker on a Prius… we get it.


Autos Beliefs Things

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things