Subject: Things (Page 39)

A bleeding heart can be hell on the carpeting.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Body Characteristics Situations Things

Traffic Light: A trick to get pedestrians halfway across the street safely.

Autos Definitions Things

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Things

The days of the digital watch are numbered.

(1937 – ) British playwright & screenwriter
Things Time

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?


Communication Language Things

A condominium is just an apartment with a down payment.

Murphy’s Laws Things

When you put Listerine® in your mouth, it hurts; germs do not go quietly.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

People with honorary awards are looked upon with disfavor; would you let an honorary mechanic fix your brand-new Mercedes?

(1927 – 2018) playwright & screenwriter
Things

Antique: An object that has made a round trip to the attic.

Definitions Things

Brecher: Unless there’s a canary in here, my hearing aid just died.
Interviewer: How long do those batteries last?
Brecher: About two weeks… longer if you don’t do any listening.

(1914 – 2008) screenwriter
Things

In approaching a double door, you will always go to the one door that is locked, pull when you should have pushed, and push when the sign says pull.

Murphy’s Laws Things

In any household, junk accumulates to fill the space available for its storage.

Murphy’s Laws Things

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Dance Family Past Relationships Situations Things Time

There are only two types of computers in the world: those that waste your precious time and those that waste your precious time faster.

Things Time

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Computers Fools Intelligence People Things

Ideas endure and prosper in inverse proportion to their soundness and validity.

Ideas Intelligence Murphy’s Laws Things

Paper is always strongest at the perforations.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Remember folks, stop lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.

(1948 – 1990) comedian
Autos Science/Weather Things

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language Things

You might be a redneck if… you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

My Dad always told me there’s three things you need to have in the boot of your car: a blanket, a shovel and a flask; and he’s right – because whenever I’ve killed a man I’m parched.

(1975 – ) English comedian
Autos Conflict Killing Things