Subject: Things (Page 39)

You might be a redneck if… your pickup has a two-tone paint job – primer red and primer gray.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos People Rednecks

The difference between a child’s toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Sex Things

It's so unfair because I go out of my way not to treat women like objects and end up having to treat objects like women.

stand-up comedian
People Sex Things Women

You break into my house… my wife will shoot you, and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Arms Speech Things

The first pull on the cord ALWAYS sends the drapes in the wrong direction.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Interchangeable devices won't.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Things Wordplay

People on horses look better than they are; people in cars look worse than they are.

(1904 – 1990) American author & critic
Animals Appearance Autos Things

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.

1867 – 1931) English novelist
America Autos People Places

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

Things

If it falls off, it doesn't matter.

(1937 – 2014) American co-host of radio show “Car Talk”
Autos Things

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Money Things

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Inside every Russian doll there’s a Russian doll screaming to get out.


Things

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday… so I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment Television Things

I’ve never been in a rotating restaurant, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, I put her on it, and I gave her a burrito.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Eating Food/Drink Things

It would appear that we have reached the limits of what it is possible to achieve with computer technology, although one should be careful with such statements, as they tend to sound pretty silly in 5 years.

(1903 – 1957) Hungarian-American mathematician
Computers Future Science/Weather Things Time

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Congress Government People Situations Things

Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Computers Murphy’s Laws Things

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’, but he hesitated.

comedian
Things