Subject: Things (Page 5)

The Yugo has come out with a very clever antitheft device… they made their name bigger.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Autos Things

A dropped power tool will always land on the concrete instead of the soft ground (if outdoors) or the carpet (if indoors) – unless it is running, in which case it will fall on something it can damage (like your foot).

Accidents Murphy’s Laws Things

I installed a skylight in my apartment…. the people who live above me are furious!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Things

Office machines that function perfectly during normal business hours will break down when you return at night to use them for personal business.

Failure Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Intelligence Things

Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of leaving now, you'd better set off a few minutes earlier.

Autos Misspokements Situations Things

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Things

I Xeroxed my watch… now I have time to spare.


Things Time

Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop.

Murphy’s Laws Places Things

Bifocals are God’s way of saying, “Keep your chin up.”

American comedian
Things

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers… and he hates New York.


New York City Places Things

An artist is somebody who produces things that people don’t need to have.

(1928 – 1987) painter, printmaker & filmmaker
Entertainment Things

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

No matter the amount of care given to a purchased object, it will fuse/explode/disassemble within three (3) days of warranty expiration.

Things

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Characteristics Driving Situations

Have you ever called the wrong number? They’re always in aren’t they?

(1964 – ) English comedian, writer, actor & musician
Situations Things

There is no traffic until you need to make a left turn.

Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws

Cottonballs are an example of something I’d want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

My watch is three hours fast, and I can’t fix it… so I’m going to move to New York.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Time

I knew my parents hated me because my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Games Things

I got a $290 parking ticket today… my car only cost $240.

(1973 – ) American stand-up comedian
Autos Money Things