Author: Anonymous Page 140

Kill two cats with one bag.

Mixed metaphors

Butt: The body part that every item of clothing makes “look bigger.”

Appearance Body Definitions

“I can’t be bothered,” said Tom carelessly.

Tom Swifties

She is so old… she used to baby-sit Jesus.

Age Exaggerations Old

The worst part about politics is that you're always right and no one ever knows it

Government Politics

You could start an argument in an empty house.

Characteristics Expressions

That guy in the White House, George Snuffleupagus.

Malaprops People

It's always darkest before dawn… so if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Beliefs

Spouse: Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

Definitions Marriage

He was bothered mentally mainly by the physical plague.

Mixed metaphors

I’m getting up on my feedbox here.

Mixed metaphors

Inflation: Being broke with a lot of money in your pocket.

Definitions Money

Eulogy: Praise that’s too much and too late.

Death Definitions

Bigamy is the only crime on the books where two rites make a wrong.

Marriage

Acupuncture: Waiting for a cure on pins and needles.

Miscellaneous

“I’ve never had a car accident,” said Tom recklessly.

Tom Swifties

Interesting: A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

Communication Definitions Speech

“Would you like some soda?” asked Tom caustically.

Tom Swifties

A bird in the hand is mightier than the sword.

Mixed metaphors

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

Characteristics God Life

Keep your ear to the grapevine.

Mixed metaphors