Author: Anonymous Page 31

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Alcohol Food/Drink

I’d sooner be in hell with my back broke.

Expressions Situations

improvise

Tom Swifties

Abort: To correct a misconception.

Definitions

Courtesy: Acceptable hypocrisy.

Definitions

It is so hot… the birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

Exaggerations Heat Science/Weather

Hat: Something the average man covers his head with, the beggar passes around, the statesman throws into the ring, and the politician talks through.

Appearance Clothing Definitions

Hook: Irritating but highly reliable device used to quickly locate the position of one’s thumb at the bottom of a tackle box.

Activities Definitions

The difference between bagpipes and an onion is that nobody cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

Situations

The only reason she made it to the top was because her clothes didn't.

Appearance Body Clothing Success

Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

Definitions

“I like modern painting,” said Tom abstractly.

Tom Swifties

A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be.

Family Money Relationships

Have no delusions about the past.

Malaprops

Committee: A cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.

Definitions

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

Communication

They were living high on the cob.

Life Malaprops Money

“Someday I’ll run the CIA,” said Tom aspiringly.

Tom Swifties

Court Of Law: A place where a suit is pressed and a man maybe taken to the cleaners.

Definitions Law

Don't mind me, I'm just a mouse on the wall.

Mixed metaphors

Butt: The body part that every item of clothing makes “look bigger.”

Appearance Body Definitions