Author: Anonymous Page 31

“I can eat one hundred and forty-four,” Tom boasted grossly.

Tom Swifties

How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you are on.

Time

If you would like to get your wife’s attention – just look comfortable!.

Marriage Wives

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Definitions

Xylophone: Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over and over, all day long; see also "drums."

Definitions Entertainment Music

“Melinda broke my heart,” Tom said half-heartedly.

Tom Swifties

The notion that space was empty, there was no stuff there, was something the mind finds it very difficult to get its head round, she said.

Mixed metaphors

Philanderer: A man who considers himself too good to be true.

Definitions People Self

Did you hear what they feel?

Mixed metaphors

Apex: A gorilla’s old girlfriend.

Definitions Wordplay

“Would you stop horsing around!” yelled Tom woefully.

Tom Swifties

Nice Girl: One who whispers sweet nothing-doings in your ear.

Definitions

Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

Definitions Food/Drink

“I chop down trees for a living,” said Tom lumberingly.

Tom Swifties

“Ignore the first three turnings,” directed Tom forthrightly.

Tom Swifties

Architect: One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.

Definitions Occupations

Skiing may be a winter activity, but some think of it as a fall sport.

Sports Wordplay

Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Body Definitions

Dirt: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

Definitions

If you look like your passport photo, you’re too sick to travel.

Appearance

When sleeping dogs fly.

Mixed metaphors