Author: Anonymous Page 39

Keep paying the electricity bill.

Health

Credit: A commodity that becomes better the less it is used.

Definitions

VD: The gift that keeps on giving.

Definitions Health

It is so flat, you can stand on a milk crate and watch your dog run away for three days.

Expressions Places

Engagement: A period in which a girl is placed in solitaire confinement.

Definitions Marriage

My husband was chosen as a wheelbarrow for his friend's funeral.

Malaprops

Quickie: No sooner spread than done.

Definitions Sex

Constant change is here to stay.

Situations

“I’m taking this ship back into harbor,” Tom reported.

Tom Swifties

“The lion has its head caught in the skylight,” said Tom uproariously.

Tom Swifties

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Definitions Sex

It was so cold… we didn't clean the house – we just defrosted it.

Cold Exaggerations Science/Weather

Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.

Definitions Places

“You must be my host,” Tom guessed.

Tom Swifties

Did you hear what they feel?

Mixed metaphors

“I want to date other women,” said Tom unsteadily.

Tom Swifties

Percussive Maintenance: Striking a recalcitrant piece of electronic hardware in order to facilitate a successful reboot, and repeating as necessary.

Definitions Failure Problems Things

Tact: The ability to arrive at conclusions without expressing them.

Definitions

Director: The one who always faces the music.

Definitions Music

Hors d'oeuvres: A sandwich cut into 20 pieces.

Definitions Food/Drink

Our ship was caught in a typhoid.

Malaprops