Author: Anonymous Page 39

Alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

Definitions Marriage

Desertion: The poor man’s divorce.

Definitions Divorce Marriage

Pregnancy: The shape of things to come.

Definitions

You don't have to beat it with a dead horse.

Mixed metaphors

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Fools Intelligence

 “Your Honor, you’re crazy!” said Tom judgmentally.

Tom Swifties

We should go metric every inch of the way.

Language Science/Weather

“Cut it out!” said Tom sharply.

Tom Swifties

Committee: A group which succeeds in getting something done only when it consists of three members, one of whom happens to be sick and the other absent.

Definitions

Home: The place where you can scratch any place you itch.

Definitions Places

A sound mind and a sound body go hand in hand.

Mixed metaphors

“I have three houses, and I’m going to buy another,” said Tom forebodingly.

Tom Swifties

handle him with kids’ gloves

Malaprops

Farmer: A handy man with a sense of humus.

Definitions Wordplay

Discretion: A sense that comes to a man too late to do him any good.

Definitions

Flying saucers are just an optical conclusion.

Malaprops

Gossip: Anything that goes in one ear and over the back fence.

Communication Definitions Speech

Geologist: Fault finder.

Definitions Wordplay

The ambition of every small boy is to wash his mother’s ears.

Children Family

Asylum: A refuge where unusual people are protected from the world.

Definitions

“I’ll get you out of prison in no time,” said Tom balefully.

Tom Swifties