Author: Anonymous Page 41

Can't find his ass with two hands and a flashlight

Expressions Intelligence Stupidity

He was married to an acrobat, but she caught him in the act.

Communication Wordplay

“I caught two hares”, said Tom abrasively.

Tom Swifties

Brilliant sunshine rained down on the city.

Misspokements Mixed metaphors

Let’s start at square zero.

Mixed metaphors

“My cat George is my dearest friend,” Tabitha purred.

Tom Swifties

He’s still green behind the ears.

Mixed metaphors

“The bank doesn’t want me as a customer,” said Tom unaccountably.

Tom Swifties

Analysis: An excuse to take something to pieces to see how it works.

Definitions

An optimist will tell you the glass is half-full; the pessimist, half-empty; and the engineer will tell you the glass is twice the size it needs to be.

Characteristics People

Bra: Decoration draped by your wife over the shower curtain rod in the bathroom.

Clothing Definitions

Grocery list: What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Activities Definitions Shopping

Toast: The only thing that can be eaten or drunk.

Definitions

Aborigines: Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country.

Definitions People

“I just got another flat,” he said tiredly.

Tom Swifties

Reoriented: Sent back to China.

Definitions Wordplay

There's many a pessimist who got that way by financing an optimist.

Characteristics Money

Historian: An editor of yesterday’s news.

Definitions History Occupations Time Work

Amen: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

Definitions

Flood: A river too big for its bridges.

Definitions

Run it up the flag pole and see what sticks.

Mixed metaphors