Author: Anonymous Page 41

Can't find his ass with two hands and a flashlight

He was married to an acrobat, but she caught him in the act.

“I caught two hares”, said Tom abrasively.

Brilliant sunshine rained down on the city.

Let’s start at square zero.

“My cat George is my dearest friend,” Tabitha purred.

He’s still green behind the ears.

“The bank doesn’t want me as a customer,” said Tom unaccountably.

Analysis: An excuse to take something to pieces to see how it works.

An optimist will tell you the glass is half-full; the pessimist, half-empty; and the engineer will tell you the glass is twice the size it needs to be.

Bra: Decoration draped by your wife over the shower curtain rod in the bathroom.

Grocery list: What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Toast: The only thing that can be eaten or drunk.

Aborigines: Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country.

“I just got another flat,” he said tiredly.

Reoriented: Sent back to China.

There's many a pessimist who got that way by financing an optimist.

Historian: An editor of yesterday’s news.

Amen: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

Flood: A river too big for its bridges.

Run it up the flag pole and see what sticks.