Author: Anonymous Page 53

Bargain Hunter: One who is often led astray by false profits.

Activities Definitions Shopping

How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?

Food/Drink Situations

He was grinnin' like a possum eatin' bumble bees.

Miscellaneous

Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/minute?

Communication Men Speech Women

Life is a terminal disease.

Health Life

Diaper: A changeable seat cover.

Definitions

Job: A place where you work just hard enough to avoid getting fired while getting paid just enough to avoid quitting.

Definitions Work

The only people who listen to both sides of a family quarrel are the next-door neighbors.

People

Diplomacy: The ability to take something and make the other fellow believe he is giving it away.

Definitions

One hundred degrees better

Mixed metaphors

It is so hot… I saw two trees fighting over a dog.

Exaggerations Heat Science/Weather

He's like a cat out of water

Mixed metaphors

Inflation: When nobody has enough money because everybody has too much.

Definitions Money

“I make the armor out of chain links,” Tom replied by mail.

Tom Swifties

Acquaintance: A degree of friendship called ‘slight’ when its object is poor and ‘intimate’ when he is rich or famous.

Definitions People

If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.

Insults Intelligence

Diplomat: A person who thinks twice before saying nothing.

Definitions

Intellectual: A guy who can keep his mind on a book at a beach.

Definitions People

Both of my children had the chicken pops when they were young.

Health Malaprops

Cuddling: An act of warmth and affection that a husband will inevitably interpret as foreplay.

Definitions

Flattery is telling people exactly what they think of themselves.

Characteristics People Self