Author: Dave Barry Page 2
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
'You scratch my back, and I'll suck blood out of yours' – that is the insect motto.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Men – because of a tragic flaw – cannot see dirt until there is enough of it to support agriculture.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system; the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Democracy: In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
There are two distinctive classes of people today, those who have personal computers, and those who have several thousand extra dollars apiece.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
While you can only be young once, you can always be immature.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist