Author: Dave Barry Page 2
This is why it takes several million sperm cells… to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
User: The word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.”
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Democracy: In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what you start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake; I feel better already!
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
'You scratch my back, and I'll suck blood out of yours' – that is the insect motto.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The word “user” is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The great thing about golf – and this is the reason why a lot of health experts like me recommend it – you can drink beer and ride in a cart while you play.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist