Author: Dave Barry Page 5
I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The word “user” is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Taking care of a newborn baby means devoting yourself, body and soul, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, to the welfare of someone whose major response, in the way of positive reinforcement, is to throw up on you.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Calculus: The branch of mathematics that is so scary it causes everybody to stop studying mathematics.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
User: Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist