Author: Dave Barry Page 4
All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The word “user” is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years… or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
A dropped object will fall with an acceleration of 32 feet per second per second, and if it is your wallet, it will make every effort to land in a public toilet.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
We humans do not need to leave Earth to get to a hostile, deadly, alien environment; we already have Miami.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Gravity is a contributing factor in 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
There are no seeing eye cats, of course, because the sole function of cats, in the Great Chain of Life, is to cause harm to human beings.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what you start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake; I feel better already!
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from the 'Beverly Hillbillies.’
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the states, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command… very often, that person is crazy.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Taking care of a newborn baby means devoting yourself, body and soul, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, to the welfare of someone whose major response, in the way of positive reinforcement, is to throw up on you.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist