Author George Carlin | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: George Carlin Page 3

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

If the Cincinnati Reds were the first major league baseball team… who did they play?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Baseball Sports Cincinnati Reds

Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication Language Waiters

Whenever you see the word “cuisine” used instead of the word “food,” be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Eating Food/Drink

When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show; if you're born in America you get a front row seat.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

America Places

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Language Money Broker

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Animals Communication Language Disgruntled Pig

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Autos Driving Fools Intelligence Things Maniac

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Evil

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Things Sweat Worry

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication Law People Speech Mime Police

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Age Characteristics Old Good

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Age Conflict Friends Killing People

If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Government Authority Influence

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Activities Beliefs Games Frisbees

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Cynics Idealists

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Activities Drugs God People Acid

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Dance Entertainment Intelligence Music Sanity

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication Language Reading/Writing Things ATMs Braille

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication People Speech Egotists

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Money Work Salaries

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humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more

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Author: George Carlin Page 3

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.

If the Cincinnati Reds were the first major league baseball team… who did they play?

Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?

Whenever you see the word “cuisine” used instead of the word “food,” be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.

When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show; if you're born in America you get a front row seat.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.