Author George Carlin | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: George Carlin Page 3

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Baseball Sports

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Girls Places Bad Jolly Live Santa Claus

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Opinion People

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Things Sweat Worry

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Happiness Language People Sex Adultery Infants Infidelity

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Animals Rain Sheep Shrink

A dyslexic man walks into a bra…

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Health Dyslexia

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Conflict Friends Killing People Young Murder

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Entertainment People Places Audiences Stage

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Science/Weather Things Electricity Lighting

Never argue with an idiot; they will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Fools Intelligence Idiots

Whenever you see the word “cuisine” used instead of the word “food,” be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Eating Food/Drink

Swimming isn’t a sport; it’s just a way to keep from drowning.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Activities Sports Swimming

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication People Speech Egotists

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Doctors Health Work Practice Unnerving

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Health Memory People Alzheimer's disease

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication Language Hypothetical Questions

What year did Jesus think it was?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

History Time Jesus

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Book Titles

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Eating Food/Drink Antipasto Hunger Pasta

Quotes and One Liners

humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more

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Author: George Carlin Page 3

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

A dyslexic man walks into a bra…

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Never argue with an idiot; they will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.

Whenever you see the word “cuisine” used instead of the word “food,” be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.

Swimming isn’t a sport; it’s just a way to keep from drowning.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

What year did Jesus think it was?

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?