Author: Joan Rivers

Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Characteristics Emotions Laughter People

John Davidson: In folklore, what do you call the child of a fairy?

Joan Rivers: Adopted.  

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Hollywood Squares

All babies look like Renee Zellweger pushed against a glass window.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals; she thought we just fought in world war eleven.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Intelligence War

You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Housework Things Time Work

I’m no cook; when I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Cooking Food/Drink Self

Peter Marshall: In the Bible, King Balshazar saw the handwriting on the wall, and later that night something unfortunate happened. What?

Joan Rivers: Yeah, well, he found out that Shirley’s number had been disconnected.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Hollywood Squares

Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Fat Insults

I love that black dress; that neckline is plunging faster than Aretha Franklin’s head into a bucket of fried chicken.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Fat Insults

She was so bad he shot himself in it.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Reviews/Criticism

John Davidson: What did Noah finally do at the age of 952?

Joan Rivers: Paid for his daughter’s wedding.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Hollywood Squares

It's common courtesy; he's doing most of the work; you've got to encourage him.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Sex

My vagina is like Newark [New Jersey]; men know it’s there, but they don’t want to visit.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Self Sex

You don’t need big boobs to be feminine… look at Liberace.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Insults

Elizabeth Taylor is wearing Orson Welles designer jeans.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Clothing Fat

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Husbands Marriage Sex

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Sex

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Family People Places

That baby is ugly…I’ve never seen a 6-month-old so desperately in need of waxing.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Insults

I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Cooking Food/Drink

I now consider it a good day when I don’t step on my boobs.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Appearance Body Old