Author: Joan Rivers

Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, your husband, Edgar, is talking in his sleep. Should you be upset if he talks about his secretary?

Joan Rivers: And how… his secretary is a guy!

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Hollywood Squares

… it was a Jewish porno film… one minute of sex and nine minutes of guilt.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Characteristics People

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals; she thought we just fought in world war eleven.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Intelligence War

John Davidson: What did Noah finally do at the age of 952?

Joan Rivers: Paid for his daughter’s wedding.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Hollywood Squares

After lovemaking do you: A) go to sleep? B) light a cigarette? or C) return to the front of the bus?

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Sex Situations

Peter Marshall: Time Life Books calls it the most complex lump of matter known to man. What is it?

Joan Rivers: My eggs Benedict!

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Hollywood Squares

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate’ … for me that would be a shroud.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Appearance Clothing

I’m so fat and I’m so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself – but the rope broke.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Fat

John Davidson: In folklore, what do you call the child of a fairy?

Joan Rivers: Adopted.  

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Hollywood Squares

You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re told to slow down by your doctor instead of the police.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Old

I am so against [gay marriage] because all my gay friends are out and if they get married, it will cost a fortune in gifts.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Marriage

All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and woman on the bottom; for three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Sex

The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she’s shopping.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Activities Shopping

I take him to McDonald’s just to watch him eat and see the numbers change.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Food/Drink

My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Body Doctors Old

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Sex

I said to my husband, ‘My boobs have gone, my stomach’s gone, say something nice about my legs;’ he said, ‘Blue goes with everything.’

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Appearance Old

Boy George is all England needs – another queen who can't dress.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Clothing England Insults Places

Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Fat Insults

Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Characteristics Emotions Laughter People

I try to be as nice to her as I possibly can, because one day I may need part of her liver.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Miscellaneous