Author: Johnny Carson Page 2

It is so hot… Ed is actually putting ice in his Scotch.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Heat Science/Weather

She doesn’t need a steak knife… she cuts her food with her tongue.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Communication People Speech

Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Cold New York City Places Science/Weather Situations

Some sad news from Australia… the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Death

He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Appearance Body Fat Insults

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Divorce Marriage

The Champagne they have stored is getting more valuable every year.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Alcohol Baseball Food/Drink Sports

Happiness is… finding two olives in your martini when you’re hungry.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Emotions Happiness

Jimmy [Carter] needs Billy like Van Gogh needs stereo.

(1925 – 2005) television host
People

I heard from my cat’s lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Divorce Marriage

I told my wife that there was a chance that radiation might hurt my reproductive organs, but she said in her opinion it’s a small price to pay.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Appearance Body

He doesn't die his hair, he bleaches his face.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Appearance Insults

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Communication Death Hair Time