Author Mark Twain | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: Mark Twain Page 2

I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off.

Mark Twain

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

Mark Twain

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Beliefs Food/Drink Opinion Hamburgers Sacred cows

The penis mightier than the sword.

Mark Twain

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Communication Wordplay

Switzerland is simply a large humpy, solid rock, with a thin skin of grass stretched over it.

Mark Twain

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Places Switzerland

It resembles a tortoise shell cat having a fit in a plate of tomatoes.

Mark Twain

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Art Reviews/Criticism On painter J. M. W. Turner's ‘The Slave Ship'

The first act occupied three hours… I enjoyed that in spite of the singing.

Mark Twain

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Reviews/Criticism Of Wagner’s opera Parisfal

I would like to live in Manchester, England; the transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable.

Mark Twain

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Insults Places Manchester

Carlyle said, “A lie cannot live;” it shows he did not know how to tell them.

Mark Twain

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Characteristics Communication Language Lies Carlyle

One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.

Mark Twain

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Facts Situations Conjecture Returns

Optimist: Person who travels on nothing from nowhere to happiness.

Mark Twain

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Characteristics Emotions Happiness Optimists

His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there’s scarcely a hole in it anywhere.

Mark Twain

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Insults Intelligence Stupidity

If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat.

Mark Twain

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Animals Cats People

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up.

Mark Twain

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Characteristics Indecision

It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

Mark Twain

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Golf Sports Lost balls Sportsmanship

I don’t give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.

Mark Twain

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Communication Language People Spelling Words

I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting.

Mark Twain

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Activities Exercise Sleep

I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.

Mark Twain

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Beliefs Compliments Ego

Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen… I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.

Mark Twain

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Appearance Ugly

A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.

Mark Twain

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Beliefs Honesty Lies People Self Truth

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress but I repeat myself.

Mark Twain

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Congress Fools Government Insults Intelligence

Some men worship rank, some worship heroes, some worship power, some worship God, & over these ideals they dispute & cannot unite — but they all worship money.

Mark Twain

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Beliefs Money Worship

Quotes and One Liners

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Author: Mark Twain Page 2

I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off.

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

The penis mightier than the sword.

Switzerland is simply a large humpy, solid rock, with a thin skin of grass stretched over it.

It resembles a tortoise shell cat having a fit in a plate of tomatoes.

The first act occupied three hours… I enjoyed that in spite of the singing.

I would like to live in Manchester, England; the transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable.

Carlyle said, “A lie cannot live;” it shows he did not know how to tell them.

One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.

Optimist: Person who travels on nothing from nowhere to happiness.

His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there’s scarcely a hole in it anywhere.

If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat.

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up.

It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

I don’t give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.

I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting.

I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.

Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen… I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.

A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress but I repeat myself.

Some men worship rank, some worship heroes, some worship power, some worship God, & over these ideals they dispute & cannot unite — but they all worship money.