Author: Rod Schmidt

Droughts are because God didn’t pay his water bill.


I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2×4 and a box of 3×5′s and the clerk said, “ten-four.”


I went to San Francisco; I found someone's heart.


If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're
 Shakespeare?


I washed a sock… then I put it in the dryer and when I took it out, it was gone.


I bought a million lottery tickets… I won a dollar.


My friend Sam has one leg… I went to his house; I couldn't go up the stairs.


I had my coathangers spayed.


I went to a fancy French restaurant called “Deja Vu”, and the headwaiter said, “Don’t I know you?”


Ever try to Scotchgard a sponge?


I Xeroxed my watch and now I can give away free watches.


Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.


The sign said "eight items or less”… so I changed my name to Les.


Is "tired old cliche" one?


In school, every period ends with a bell… every sentence ends with a period… every crime ends with a sentence.


I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.


I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers… and he hates New York.


I wear my heart on my sleeve… I wear my liver on my pant leg.


I took lessons in bicycle riding, but I could only afford half of them… now I can ride a unicycle.


A metaphor is like a simile.


I had amnesia… once or twice.