Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Author: Rod Schmidt
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
Rod Schmidt
Communication
Reading/Writing
Million times
Monkey
Shakespeare
The sky is falling… no, I'm tipping over backwards.
Rod Schmidt
Science/Weather
Situations
Backwards
Sky is falling
I washed my edible underwear and now they're gone.
Rod Schmidt
Appearance
Clothing
Edible underwear
Wash
The sign said "eight items or less”… so I changed my name to Les.
Rod Schmidt
People
Self
Situations
I had my coathangers spayed.
Rod Schmidt
Things
Coathangers
Reproduction
In school, every period ends with a bell… every sentence ends with a period… every crime ends with a sentence.
Rod Schmidt
Education
School
Sentences
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
Rod Schmidt
Communication
Reading/Writing
Monkeys
Shakespeare
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2×4 and a box of 3×5′s and the clerk said, “ten-four.”
Rod Schmidt
Activities
Communication
Language
Shopping
7-11
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Rod Schmidt
Emotions
Situations
Forests
Jokes
I had amnesia… once or twice.
Rod Schmidt
Health
Memory
Amnesia
I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.
Rod Schmidt
Eating
Food/Drink
Swiss cheese
I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell… except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.
Rod Schmidt
Health
Birth
Caesarean section
Window
Droughts are because God didn’t pay his water bill.
Rod Schmidt
God
Drought
Water
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
Rod Schmidt
Time
Days
Weekend
I Xeroxed my watch… now I have time to spare.
Rod Schmidt
Things
Time
Watch
Xerox
I Xeroxed my watch and now I can give away free watches.
Rod Schmidt
Things
Watches
Xerox
I wear my heart on my sleeve… I wear my liver on my pant leg.
Rod Schmidt
Appearance
Body
Characteristics
Emotions
Situations
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers… and he hates New York.
Rod Schmidt
New York City
Places
Things
Bumper stickers
Hate
I washed a sock… then I put it in the dryer and when I took it out, it was gone.
Rod Schmidt
Situations
Dryers
Socks
I went to San Francisco; I found someone's heart.
Rod Schmidt
America
Places
Heart
San Francisco
I bought a million lottery tickets… I won a dollar.
Rod Schmidt
Activities
Money
Betting
Lottery
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