Author: Rod Schmidt

Droughts are because God didn’t pay his water bill.


God

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2×4 and a box of 3×5′s and the clerk said, “ten-four.”


Activities Communication Language Shopping

I went to San Francisco; I found someone's heart.


America Places

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're
 Shakespeare?


Communication Reading/Writing

I washed a sock… then I put it in the dryer and when I took it out, it was gone.


Situations

I bought a million lottery tickets… I won a dollar.


Activities Money

My friend Sam has one leg… I went to his house; I couldn't go up the stairs.


Situations

I had my coathangers spayed.


Things

I went to a fancy French restaurant called “Deja Vu”, and the headwaiter said, “Don’t I know you?”


Situations

Ever try to Scotchgard a sponge?


Situations

I Xeroxed my watch and now I can give away free watches.


Things

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.


Activities Things

The sign said "eight items or less”… so I changed my name to Les.


People Self Situations

Is "tired old cliche" one?


Communication Language

In school, every period ends with a bell… every sentence ends with a period… every crime ends with a sentence.


Education School

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.


Eating Food/Drink

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers… and he hates New York.


New York City Places Things

I wear my heart on my sleeve… I wear my liver on my pant leg.


Appearance Body Characteristics Emotions Situations

I took lessons in bicycle riding, but I could only afford half of them… now I can ride a unicycle.


Activities

A metaphor is like a simile.


Communication Language

I had amnesia… once or twice.


Health Memory