Author: Rod Schmidt

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're
 Shakespeare?


Communication Reading/Writing

The sky is falling… no, I'm tipping over backwards.


Science/Weather Situations

I washed my edible underwear and now they're gone.


Appearance Clothing

The sign said "eight items or less”… so I changed my name to Les.


People Self Situations

I had my coathangers spayed.


Things

In school, every period ends with a bell… every sentence ends with a period… every crime ends with a sentence.


Education School

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?


Communication Reading/Writing

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2×4 and a box of 3×5′s and the clerk said, “ten-four.”


Activities Communication Language Shopping

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?


Emotions Situations

I had amnesia… once or twice.


Health Memory

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.


Eating Food/Drink

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell… except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.


Health

Droughts are because God didn’t pay his water bill.


God

There aren't enough days in the weekend.


Time

I Xeroxed my watch… now I have time to spare.


Things Time

I Xeroxed my watch and now I can give away free watches.


Things

I wear my heart on my sleeve… I wear my liver on my pant leg.


Appearance Body Characteristics Emotions Situations

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers… and he hates New York.


New York City Places Things

I washed a sock… then I put it in the dryer and when I took it out, it was gone.


Situations

I went to San Francisco; I found someone's heart.


America Places

I bought a million lottery tickets… I won a dollar.


Activities Money