Author: Rod Schmidt

A metaphor is like a simile.


Communication Language

The sign said "eight items or less”… so I changed my name to Les.


People Self Situations

My friend Sam has one leg… I went to his house; I couldn't go up the stairs.


Situations

Droughts are because God didn’t pay his water bill.


God

Ever try to Scotchgard a sponge?


Situations

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?


People

I washed my edible underwear and now they're gone.


Appearance Clothing

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?


Communication Reading/Writing

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.


Activities Things

I took lessons in bicycle riding, but I could only afford half of them… now I can ride a unicycle.


Activities

I had amnesia… once or twice.


Health Memory

I had my coathangers spayed.


Things

I wear my heart on my sleeve… I wear my liver on my pant leg.


Appearance Body Characteristics Emotions Situations

I Xeroxed my watch… now I have time to spare.


Things Time

I bought a million lottery tickets… I won a dollar.


Activities Money

The sky is falling… no, I'm tipping over backwards.


Science/Weather Situations

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?


Appearance Body Fat Sports

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell… except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.


Health

I took a course in speed waiting… now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.


Learning Time

It only rains straight down… God doesn't do windows.


God

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2×4 and a box of 3×5′s and the clerk said, “ten-four.”


Activities Communication Language Shopping