Author: Stewart Francis Page 4

Through no fault of his own my uncle crashed his car into a lemon tree; he is still bitter and twisted.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

I have a girlfriend… I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for …….. sex!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Girlfriends Relationships Sex

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; it was riveting.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

My sister has just married a Chinese billionaire… Cha Ching!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

There’s nothing but porn on TV these days. I tell you, it makes me so angry, I sit on the end of my bed and shake my fist at it.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment Television

"Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse… but enough about Kanye West."

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Insults

I quit my job at the helium gas factory; I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Speech Work

There's a man in my neighborhood who is in the Guinness Book of Records for having forty three concussions; he lives very close actually, just a stone's throw away…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

My father was a man of few words and I remember him saying to me, “Son…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Family Fathers Speech

I read today that 10 out of 2 people are dyslectic.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Health

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Situations

I love going on blind dates because you can stare at their tits. … Some of you are now thinking — “Hey you can’t make fun of the blind…” Watch me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Dating Language Relationships

People say I’m a plagiarist… their word, not mine.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

I was sitting in traffic the other day… and I got run over.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

My teacher said I'd do much better at school if I stopped flirting… I immediately got off his lap.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Regarding my family, I’m the youngest of three; my parents are both older.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Age Family Relationships

My mum walked in on me wanking and looking at her wedding pictures. "You perv!" she screamed at me.
It's not what you think, Mum… I was looking at the priest.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Sex

Question: What goes ‘clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG BANG’? Answer: An Amish drive-by shooting.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
People Situations

We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom; in fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Children Family Mothers Old

Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing; you should never look down.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Sex Ugly

I was a trampoline salesman… off and on.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Work