Author: Stewart Francis Page 4

There's a man in my neighborhood who is in the Guinness Book of Records for having forty three concussions; he lives very close actually, just a stone's throw away…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy; I loved that wheelchair.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

My teacher said I'd do much better at school if I stopped flirting… I immediately got off his lap.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I went to my local library yesterday, and asked: “Have you got a book on handling rejection without killing?”

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

My piñata costume was a hit with the crowd

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

Definition of irony: Sharon Osborne judging talent

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Insults

I was a trampoline salesman… off and on.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Work

I quit my job at the helium gas factory – I didn’t like being spoken to in that voice.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Miscellaneous Speech

I want to donate a large amount of money to a rape clinic and I won't take no for an answer.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
People

Oh, there's so much nudity on TV, I just sit there shaking my fist.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment Television

I’m not an expert on masturbation, but I hold my own.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Sex

I was sitting in traffic the other day… and I got run over.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; it was riveting.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom; in fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Children Family Mothers Old

I used to have a job as a pantomime horse, but quit while I was a head.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Work

I love going on blind dates because you can stare at their tits. … Some of you are now thinking — “Hey you can’t make fun of the blind…” Watch me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Dating Language Relationships

Some people say Birmingham looks great in the summer. I reckon it looks better in the rear view mirror.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Insults Places

"Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse… but enough about Kanye West."

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Insults

So what if I can’t spell Armaggedon? … it’s not the end of the world.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Time

I really like what mechanics wear… overall.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Clothing Work

Me and my wife met at a Castanet class… we clicked.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Marriage Wives