Author: Stewart Francis Page 5

My parents are mixed-race… my father prefers the 100 meters… my mom is Pakistani.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Parents

We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom; in fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Children Family Mothers Old

My doctor thinks I’m taking hallucinogenic drugs… how do I know?… let’s just say a little bird told me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Activities

I dedicate this show to my dad who was a roofer… so dad, if you’re up there…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Fathers Occupations Work

You're looking at a very proud Canadian who is very proud of the educational system in Canadia…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Canada Communication Education Learning Places Reading/Writing

I went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?” I replied, “No, you ****. I’ll be putting it up in my living room.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

My teacher said I'd do much better at school if I stopped flirting… I immediately got off his lap.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I had an unemployed dwarf do a bit of casual work for me; he asked to be paid under the table.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
People

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Things

All I had to my name were some letters and all I had in my pocket was a broken compass; I didn’t know which way to turn.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance; we'll see about that.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Characteristics Doctors Health

You know who really gives kids a bad name? … Posh and Becks.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Children Communication Wordplay

Regarding my family, I’m the youngest of three; my parents are both older.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Age Family Relationships

I was a trapeze artist…. but I was let go.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Problems Work

Today I held the elevator door open for a spastic… sorry that’s an inappropriate word for this site, I meant ‘lift.’

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

I quit my job at the helium gas factory – I didn’t like being spoken to in that voice.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Miscellaneous Speech

Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse… but enough about Kanye West.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
People Reviews/Criticism

What is the big deal about trainspotters… I counted 27 of the losers today.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Activities

I’m not an expert on masturbation, but I hold my own.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Sex

What's that up the road? … a head?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

My fairy Godmother once asked me if I’d rather have a long penis or a long memory… I forget what my answer was.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Intelligence Memory