Author: Woody Allen Page 7

Living is messy.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Life

I ran into Isosceles; he has a great idea for a new triangle!

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Science/Weather

Hey, don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Sex TV/Movie Quotes

I’m not really the heroic type. I was beat up by Quakers.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
TV/Movie Quotes

Oral contraceptive: The word "no."

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Communication Language Sex

This stuff tastes awful. I could make a fortune selling it in my health food store.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Food/Drink TV/Movie Quotes

Death is a wonderful way of cutting down on your expenses.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Death Money

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Death Emotions Fear

I was the best I ever had.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
People Self Sex

My grammy never gave gifts. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Family TV/Movie Quotes

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on Saturday and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on Saturday.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs Religion

Nancy: My lawyer will call your lawyer.

Allan: I don’t have a lawyer. Have him call my doctor.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
TV/Movie Quotes

Luna Schlosser: What’s it feel like to be dead for 200 years?

Miles Monroe: Like spending a weekend in Beverly Hills.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
TV/Movie Quotes

Love is the answer… but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Emotions Love Sex

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs Education

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people… between five, it's fantastic.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Sex

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Characteristics Life

How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs Body God Things

I believe there is something out there watching over us… unfortunately, it's the government.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Government

Drew Barrymore sings so badly, deaf people refuse to watch her lips move.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Reviews/Criticism

Sex alleviates tension; love causes it.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Emotions Love Sex