Subject: Communication » Language

I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.

(1935 – ) Puerto Rican professional golfer

Defame: To lie about another. To tell the truth about another.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

I have learned the difference between a cactus and a caucus; on a cactus, the pricks are on the outside.

(1922 – 1998) U.S. Representative (Arizona) & politician

The two most beautiful words in the English language are “check enclosed.”

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet

I invented a new word – “plagiarism.”

Like I always say, there's no 'I' in "team;" there is a 'me', though, if you jumble it up."

(1959 – ) Canadian-born writer & television producer

University: A modern school where football is taught.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day; she said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, All right, but we're not going to get much done.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor

I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.”

(1973 – ) American comedian

I married way too young… she was Chinese.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

I don't want to brag, but I do speak Pig Latin; I mean, I'm not fluent, but I'm sure if I ever went there, I could get by.

Canadian-American comedian & writer

Murder is a crime – describing murder is not; sex is not a crime – describing sex is.

(1917 – 1999) American sexologist

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

comedian

What's right is what's left when everything is wrong.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor

You say ‘erbs, and we say Herbs… because there’s a f**king ‘H’ in it!

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor

Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Exaggeration: Formal term for a collection of fishermen (i.e. an exaggeration of anglers).

Abstainer: A weak man who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist