Subject: Marriage (Page 3)

Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Divorce Marriage Money

Of all the home remedies, a good wife is best.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Health Marriage Wives

You can calculate Zsa Zsa Gabor's age by the rings on her fingers.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Age Divorce Insults Marriage

Ah Mozart! He was happily married… but his wife wasn’t.

(1909 – 2000) Danish-born comedian & pianist
Marriage

Throwing rice at a wedding is a tradition… unless it’s an Asian couple, then it’s a hate crime.

comedian
Marriage

Before marriage, a man will go home and lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage, he'll go to sleep before you finish saying it.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Husbands Marriage Sleep

If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.

(1866 – 1944) American writer, newspaper columnist, playwright & humorist
Marriage Things

I think we explored the further reaches of “for better or for worse.”

(1944 – ) British scientist
Marriage

Mixed doubles are always starting divorces. If you play with your wife, you fight with her. If you play with somebody else, she fights with you.

American professional tennis player
Marriage Sports

As soon as they get married, they all get these big old guts on them; that's not from drinking beer – that's from swallowing pride.

stand-up comedian
Alcohol Body Fat Husbands Marriage Men People

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it’s around the woman’s neck.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Marriage

I am his awfully-wedded wife.

(1905 – 1974) radio comedian
Malaprops Marriage Wordplay

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Dance Marriage Wives

I won't tell you how many times my dad has been married, but if they were sandwiches, his next one would be free.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed… I leave.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

Adultery is the application of democracy to love.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Communication Love Marriage Sex

Me and my wife met at a Castanet class… we clicked.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Marriage Wives

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Government Marriage Politics

My wife donates money to the homeless and I donate money to the topless.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Money Wives

My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"

(1924 – 2003) American comedian & actor
Death Marriage Wives

I told my wife she’s lousy in bed; she went out to get a second opinion.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Wives