Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
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Alfred E. Neuman
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People try to live within their income so they can afford to pay taxes to a government that can't live within its income.
A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of.
(1775 – 1817) English novelist
Today, too many workers spend their time trying to make their weekends meet.
Alfred E. Neuman
fictional mascot and cover boy of
, an American humor magazine
Her business seems to be doing well; it must be very
In many instances, marriage vows would be more accurate if the phrase were changed to ‘Until debt do us part.’
(1920 – 2001) American writer & humorist
Depression: A period in which you have no belt to tighten.
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors.
Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry
Stand-Up [comedy] is a lot like sex; there's a lot of crying involved and I get paid to do it.
(1982 – ) American actress & comedian
If the guy was poor, I’d give it back.
(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
When asked what would he do if he found $1 million
Before borrowing from a friend, decide which you need most.
We didn't actually overspend our budget; the allocation simply fell short of our expenditure.
People who think money can do anything may very well be suspected of doing anything for money.
Mary Pettibone Poole
You will never find any more loose change than you have already lost.
People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.
(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
The best investment opportunities are encountered when you are broke.
Firestone's Principle of Investment Timing
Wouldn’t it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?
(1952 – ) comedian
Everything costs more and takes longer.
Pournelle's Law of Costs and Schedules
Saving love doesn't bring any interest.
(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve; run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened; keep the company of bums and you will become a bum; hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke.
My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil.
J. Paul Getty
(1892 – 1976) oil industrialist (once world’s richest man)
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