Quotes and One Liners
humorous quotations, expressions, proverbs, headlines & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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The government deficit is the difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect.
(1920 – 2001) American writer & humorist
I was once so broke I forgot whether you cut steak with a knife or drank it with a spoon.
(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
(1929 – 1933) 31st U.S. president, humanitarian
Make ends meet
I came from a dirt farm, now I'm filthy rich.
American boxing champion
A wino asked me for change… I gave him my shirt.
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Committee reports dealing with wages, salaries, fringe benefits, facilities, computers, employee parking, libraries, coffee breaks, secretarial support, etc., always call for dramatic expenditure increases.
Martin's Exclusion (to Martin's Law of Committees)
Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one’s living at it.
(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist
When a feller says, ‘It hain’t the money, but the principle o’ th’ thing’, it’s the money.
(1856 – 1915) writer, publisher, artist & philosopher
Any military project will take twice as long as planned, cost twice as much, and produce only half of what is wanted.
Vance's Rule of 2 1/2
Does [life] begin at conception, or does it begin when the baby is an embryo? … anybody with children knows [it] don’t begin ’til they can pay their own damn bills.
(1963 – ) American actor & stand-up comedian
When life begins
No gold-digging for me… I take diamonds!
(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
When a fellow says it ain't the money but the principle of the thing, it's the money.
Charles Farrar Browne (1834 – 1867) humorist
It is a truth universally acknowledge, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.
(1775 – 1817) English novelist
If thee marries for money, thee surely will earn it.
Wisconsin politician, professor & writer
Borrow money from pessimists; they don't expect it back.
Wealth is any income that is at least one hundred dollars a year more than the income of one’s wife’s sister’s husband.
(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead.
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
When the last great scorer comes to mark against your name, it’s not whether you won or lost, but how many paid to see the game.
[Paraphrasing Grantland Rice's famous poem]
Always Broke? Stop Living Payday To Payday
On a magazine cover
By the time we've made it, we've had it.
(1919 – 1990) publisher & author
The best simple-minded test of expertise in a particular area is the ability to win money in a series of bets on future occurrences in that area.
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