Subject: Situations (Page 5)

Sometimes, I like to read the Bible in public and yell out, ‘Oh Bullshit!’

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Situations

Do not nurse a kid who wears braces.

Children Family Mothers Situations

Nothing is impossible; some things are just less likely than others.

(1925 – 2013) comedian & actor
Situations

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

Old-timers weekends, and airplane landings are alike; if you can walk away from them, they’re successful.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
Situations

The trouble with not having a goal is that you can spend your life running up and down the field and never score.

Situations

What I’m looking for is a blessing that’s not in disguise.

Situations

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. “Here’s a drink, Mitch – it’s ice cold.” I guess I could lick it.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Situations

I'm not embarrassed going to a drug store anymore to buy a condom; although, the woman behind the counter said, 'Save your money; buy a lottery ticket.'

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian
Shopping Situations

We had gay burglars the other night; they broke in and rearranged the furniture.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Situations

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day; set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

(1948 – ) English novelist
Situations

Computing power increases as the square of the cost; if you want to do it twice as cheaply, you have to do it four times slower.

Computers Money Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather Situations Things

Nearly all prophecies made in public are wrong.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

Set aside half an hour every day to do all your worrying; then take a nap during this period.

Situations Sleep

When our friends get into power, they aren’t our friends any more.

Age Characteristics Friends Murphy’s Laws Situations

The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong – but that's the way to bet.

(1885 – 1933) columnist & writer
Situations

How come dumb stuff seems so smart while you're doing it?

cartoon character, created by Hank Ketcham (1920 – 2001)
Problems Situations

Do you ever go into a store and you happen to be carrying something that they sell in that store and then start to get all paranoid that they're going to think that you stole it? … That happened to me recently at the gun store.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & writer
Arms Conflict Situations

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People Situations

The worst sensation I know of is getting up at night and stepping on a toy train.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Situations

Now what I don't get are these people who, instead of buying a four-pack or an eight-pack of toilet paper, they buy the single individual roll; are you trying to quit?

comedian
Shopping Situations