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Accordion: An instrument whose music is long drawn out.

Definitions Entertainment Music Things

Great American: What speakers call a man when they can’t think of anything specifically complimentary to say.

Definitions

Announce: Thirty grams or a sixteenth of a pound.

Definitions Wordplay

Cheerfulness: The art of concealing your true feelings.

Definitions Emotions Happiness

Statistician: A person who can draw a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion. 

Definitions Occupations Science/Weather

“I’ve never had a car accident,” said Tom recklessly.

Tom Swifties

Intellectual: A guy who can keep his mind on a book at a beach.

Definitions People

Consultant: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.

Definitions

A duck on a hot tin roof.

Mixed metaphors

Celebrity: A person whose name is in everything but the telephone book.

Definitions

I'm sweating like a bullet.

Mixed metaphors

I want to be sure we don't build ourselves a bag of worms.

Mixed metaphors

Adolescence is the time in life when a youngster is well informed about anything he doesn’t have to study.

Age Education

I don't want to step on your thunder.

Mixed metaphors

Ornery as an old pine knot

Expressions

“The censors took all the dirty bits out of my show,” said Tom deludedly.

Tom Swifties

“I wouldn’t like anything but just that,” said Tom wantonly.

Tom Swifties

Life: A sexually transmitted disease with 100% fatality rate.

Definitions Life

If you teach a snake to fish, you can lead it to water but it won't drink..

Mixed metaphors

Average Person: One who thinks someone else is the average person.

Definitions People

The coffee has burned my face! I'm going to be distorted!

Appearance Malaprops