Author: Joan Rivers

My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger; my first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I try to be as nice to her as I possibly can, because one day I may need part of her liver.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Peter Marshall: Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?

Joan Rivers: Yes. It’s daddy’s turn.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I now consider it a good day when I don’t step on my boobs.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

You don’t need big boobs to be feminine… look at Liberace.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I said to my husband, ‘My boobs have gone, my stomach’s gone, say something nice about my legs;’ he said, ‘Blue goes with everything.’

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I was getting dressed and a peeping Tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Peter Marshall: In the Bible, King Balshazar saw the handwriting on the wall, and later that night something unfortunate happened. What?

Joan Rivers: Yeah, well, he found out that Shirley’s number had been disconnected.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Til I was nine, my mother was still trying to get an abortion.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and woman on the bottom; for three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I’m no cook; when I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I can’t wear yellow anymore; it’s too matchy-matchy with my catheter.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Last night I asked my husband, ‘What’s your favorite sexual position?’ and he said, ‘Next door.’

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I’ve been doing it [stealing from hotels] for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Looking fifty is great – if you’re sixty.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director













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