Author: Rodney Dangerfield Page 2

My daughter… she failed her drivers test; she couldn’t get used to the front seat.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Children Driving Family Sex

I’m not going to say my wife can’t cook, but should toast have bones?

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Cooking Food/Drink

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes Ugly

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Relationships Self

My wife wants sex in the back of the car… and she wants me to drive.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Driving Sex

I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a sign on the back saying… Caution Wide Load.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body Clothing Fat Girlfriends People

Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until somebody passes out. And then bring one every ten minutes.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Beer Food/Drink TV/Movie Quotes

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage

When I met my wife I wanted sex in the worst way… and I got it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Wives

I once dated a girl that was wild. I took her to a bar. She gave the mechanical bull her phone number.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Dating Relationships

My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Dogs Marriage Wives

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Doctors Health

I was making love to this girl and she started crying; I said “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said “No, I hate myself now.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex

When I answer the door the kids hand ME candy.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Self Situations Ugly

With my old man I got no respect: I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers

I came from a real tough neighborhood; in the library the sign says “Shut the f**k up!”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Places

I came from a real tough neighborhood; I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Places

You take care, and I hope I run into you – when I’m driving.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Insults

My old man… I told him I'm tired of running around in circles… so he nailed my other foot to the floor.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers

Last night he went on the paper four times… three of those times I was reading it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Dogs

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body People Self