Subject: Animals (Page 16)

I distrust camels and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

(1902 – 1971) American comedian & singer
Alcohol Animals Food/Drink

People on horses look better than they are; people in cars look worse than they are.

(1904 – 1990) American author & critic
Animals Appearance Autos Things

Everything else causes cancer in rats.

Animals Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather

Hot Dog: The only animal that feeds the hand that bites it.

Animals Definitions Food/Drink

The only difference between a pigeon and the American farmer today is that a pigeon can still make a deposit on a John Deere.

(1943 – ) U.S. agriculture commissioner, columnist, activist & author
Animals Money

If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Animals Communication

An ordinary kitten will ask more questions than any five-year-old boy.

(1880 – 1964) American writer & photographer
Animals Cats

A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger; my first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Dogs Old

Cat: A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Animals Cats Communication Definitions Language

Games You Can Play With Your Pussy

Book Titles Cats

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you strapped toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Cats Food/Drink Things

You can’t lose a homing pigeon; if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.

(1981 – ) English writer, stand-up comedian & actress
Animals

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.


Animals Things

Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers; perverted sex involves the whole duck.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist
Animals Sex

They should call fishing what it really is… tricking and killing!

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Animals Language Sports

Fiddle: An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's tail on the entrails of a cat.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Animals Definitions Music

I’m afraid of sharks – but only in a water situation.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Fear

You might be a redneck if… your last year you hid yer kids' Easter eggs under cow pies.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Animals People Rednecks

You've never seen a cat have sex… nobody has; the Discovery Channel hasn't caught that.

American comedian & television host
Animals Cats Sex

The more one gets to know of men, the more one values dogs.

(1803 – 1885) French writer & journalist
Animals Dogs People