Subject: Animals (Page 17)

1. The probability of a cat eating its dinner has absolutely nothing to do with the price of the food placed before it. 2. The probability that a household pet will raise a fuss is directly proportional to the number and importance of your guests.

Animals Money Murphy’s Laws

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog; well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Animals Children Dogs Family

You might be a redneck if… your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Animals Dogs Money People Rednecks Things

There are rules about riding a horse, but the horse won’t necessarily know them.

Animals

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Animals Death Dogs Marriage

So, You’ve Got a Fat Pussy

Animals Book Titles Cats

I got wasted last night, and I hit an animal with my car… in the lobby of Caesar's Palace.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor, director & author
Animals Entertainment Places

Racehorse: A barn athlete.

Animals Definitions Wordplay

Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
Animals Dogs

I spend three minutes every day choosing a TV channel to leave on for my dog; then I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult.

American comedian
Animals Dogs Self

When I took office, only high energy physicists had ever heard of what is called the Worldwide Web…. Now even my cat has its own page.

Animals Cats Science/Weather Time

I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Dogs Intelligence

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Animals Dogs Things

You might be a redneck if… you’re banned from the Memphis Zoo because you disturb the monkeys.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Animals People Places Rednecks

We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Animals Places

Fiddle: An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's tail on the entrails of a cat.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Animals Definitions Music

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Situations

50 Ways to Eat Cock

Animals Book Titles Cooking Food/Drink

It’s weird… people say they’re not like apes; now how do you explain football then?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Football Sports

Animals have these advantages over man: they have no theologians to instruct them, their funerals cost them nothing, and no-one starts lawsuits over their wills.

(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist
Animals

You might be a redneck if… you think "fast food" is hitting a possum at 65 miles an hour.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Animals People Rednecks