Subject: Animals (Page 19)

Snake eyes is a gambling term… and an animal term, too.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Animals Games

Dogs are like penises… I enjoy my own, but I don't want to be touched by anyone else's.

American comedian
Animals Dogs

I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Health

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.

(1978 – ) American actress, writer & comedian
Animals

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Animals Communication Language

I never married because there was no need: I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband – I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.

(1855 – 1924) English writer
Animals Cats Husbands Marriage

How to Tell if Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You

Book Titles Cats

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Animals Places

To err is human; to purr, feline.

(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator
Animals Cats Mistakes Problems

The only difference between a pigeon and the American farmer today is that a pigeon can still make a deposit on a John Deere.

(1943 – ) U.S. agriculture commissioner, columnist, activist & author
Animals Money

Everything else causes cancer in rats.

Animals Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet… Oh my god, that fucking thing would never shut up… but the bird was cool.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Animals Girlfriends

I’m fond of pigs… dogs look up to us… cats look down on us… pigs treat us as equal.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
Animals Cats Dogs

We heard the sea is infatuated with sharks.

Animals Malaprops

There are more horses’ asses in this world than there are horses.

Animals Murphy’s Laws People

The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.

comedian
Animals

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Animals Science/Weather

A child is a person who can’t understand why someone would give away a perfectly good kitten.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Animals Cats Children Family

Because he spills his seed on the ground.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Animals

He was so learned that he could name a horse in nine languages; so ignorant that he bought a cow to ride on.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Animals Intelligence Stupidity Wisdom

I just gave my cat a bath; now how do I get all this fur off my tongue?

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Animals Cats