Subject: Animals (Page 20)

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

(1818 – 1885) humorist
Animals Dogs Emotions Love

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.


Animals Cats

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

(1957 – ) British stand-up comedian
Animals Food/Drink

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog; well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Animals Children Dogs Family

The scientific name for an animal that doesn’t either run from or fight its enemies is lunch.

(1947 – ) American philosopher of science
Animals Science/Weather

Dachshund: An animal half a dog high by a dog and a half long.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Animals Definitions Dogs

It was so cold today that I saw a dog chasing a cat, and the dog was walking.

professional baseball player
Animals Cold Science/Weather

I never said all actors are cattle; what I said was all actors should be treated like cattle.

(1899 – 1980) English filmmaker & producer
Animals People

I can levitate birds… no one cares.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Science/Weather

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Animals Dogs Things

If we are not supposed to eat animals, then why are they made of meat?

Animals Food/Drink

If it's so great outside, why are all the bugs trying to get inside my house?

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Animals

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Characteristics Fear

Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian
Animals Dogs

There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Dogs Friends Money People Wives

When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.

Animals Cats Murphy’s Laws Sleep

Dogs are forever in the push-up position.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Dogs

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up… I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Things

My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one: She was livid… “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Animals Dogs Wordplay

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Cats People Self

1. The probability of a cat eating its dinner has absolutely nothing to do with the price of the food placed before it. 2. The probability that a household pet will raise a fuss is directly proportional to the number and importance of your guests.

Animals Money Murphy’s Laws