Subject: Animals (Page 5)

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.


Animals Cats

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Animals Dogs Situations

Fiddle: An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's tail on the entrails of a cat.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Animals Definitions Music

Horse: An oatsmobile.

Animals Definitions

No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Animals Communication Conversation Speech

Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Cats

Even a dog knows the difference between being tripped-over and kicked.

Animals Dogs Proverbs

There are no handles to a horse, but the 1910 model has a string to each side of its face for turning its head when there is anything you want it to see.

(1869 – 1944) Canadian economist & humorist
Animals

You might be a redneck if… you think "fast food" is hitting a possum at 65 miles an hour.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Animals People Rednecks

You can put a coat and tie on a goat, and it’s still a goat.

Animals Appearance Proverbs

I love defenseless animals… especially in good gravy.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Food/Drink

I can make more generals, but horses cost money.

(1809 – 1865) 16th U.S. president
Animals Government Military Money

A hen is an egg's way of making another egg.

(1835 – 1902) English composer, author & satirist
Animals

I got a new dog… he’s a paranoid retriever; he brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Dogs Wordplay

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Animals Death Dogs Marriage

You might be a redneck if… your front porch collapses and four dogs git killed.

(1926 – 1998) American country comedian
Animals Dogs People Rednecks

I’m afraid of sharks – but only in a water situation.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Fear

Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Animals Cats Characteristics

Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian
Animals Dogs

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Animals Communication Language

Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Animals Democracy Elections/Voting Government