Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Animals
(Page 5)
If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Animals
Cats
People
Snake eyes is a gambling term… and an animal term, too.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities
Animals
Games
Gambling
Snake eyes
Zoo: A place where humans go and animals are barred.
Anonymous
Animals
Definitions
Zoo
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Anonymous
Animals
Dolphins
Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Animals
Dogs
Situations
Birth
The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.
Dave Barry
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Activities
Animals
Whales
A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult.
Solomon Short
David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Animals
Appearance
Situations
Things
Bird in hand
Nose
I have to laugh, because I’ve outsmarted even myself. … In order to conquer the animal, I have to learn to think like an animal… and, whenever possible, to
look
like one. I’ve gotta get inside this guy’s pelt and crawl around for a few days.
Bill Murray
(1950 – ) American actor & comedian
Animals
TV/Movie Quotes
As Carl Spackler in “Caddyshack”
Gophers
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog; few people are interested and the frog dies as a result.
E.B. White
(1899 – 1985) US author & humorist
Animals
Emotions
Humor
Bear Eats Fruit, Takes Stuffed Bear From NH House
The Associated Press (In NH)
Animals
Headlines
Nature abhors a vacuum… but not as much as cats do.
Lee Entrekin
Animals
Cats
Vacuums
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
Ann Landers
(1918 – 2002) advice columnist
Animals
Characteristics
Dogs
Opinion
Admiration
Wonderful
Porkchops and bacon, my two favorite animals.
Homer Simpson
cartoon character in
The Simpsons
(Dan Castellaneta)
Animals
TV/Movie Quotes
Bacon
Pork
Racehorse: A barn athlete.
Anonymous
Animals
Definitions
Wordplay
Horses
Racehorse
All the good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.
Grant Wood
(1892 – 1942) American painter
Animals
Ideas
Intelligence
Situations
Cows
Nobody ever committed suicide who had a good two-year-old in the barn.
Racetrack proverb
Activities
Animals
Proverbs
Horse racing
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Animals
Divorce
Marriage
Money
(also Arthur 'Bugs' Baer)
Alimony
I just gave my cat a bath; now how do I get all this fur off my tongue?
Steve Martin
(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Animals
Cats
I don't have to walk my dog anymore… I walked him all at once.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals
Dogs
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals
Dogs
People
Self
Suicide
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
Anonymous
Animals
Definitions
Eating
Food/Drink
Chickens
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