Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Animals
(Page 5)
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.
Bruce Graham
Animals
Cats
Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Animals
Dogs
Situations
Birth
Fiddle: An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's tail on the entrails of a cat.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Animals
Definitions
Music
Fiddle
Horse: An oatsmobile.
Anonymous
Animals
Definitions
Horse
No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
Fran Lebowitz
(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Animals
Communication
Conversation
Speech
Furniture
Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.
Eddie Izzard
(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Animals
Cats
Even a dog knows the difference between being tripped-over and kicked.
Proverb
Animals
Dogs
Proverbs
Meanness
There are no handles to a horse, but the 1910 model has a string to each side of its face for turning its head when there is anything you want it to see.
Stephen Leacock
(1869 – 1944) Canadian economist & humorist
Animals
Horses
You might be a redneck if… you think "fast food" is hitting a possum at 65 miles an hour.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Animals
People
Rednecks
Fast food
Possums
Road kill
You can put a coat and tie on a goat, and it’s still a goat.
Proverb
Animals
Appearance
Proverbs
Pigs
Reality
I love defenseless animals… especially in good gravy.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals
Food/Drink
Gravy
I can make more generals, but horses cost money.
Abraham Lincoln
(1809 – 1865) 16th U.S. president
Animals
Government
Military
Money
Generals
Horses
A hen is an egg's way of making another egg.
Samuel Butler
(1835 – 1902) English composer, author & satirist
Animals
Eggs
Hens
I got a new dog… he’s a paranoid retriever; he brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals
Dogs
Wordplay
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Animals
Death
Dogs
Marriage
Wedding pictures
You might be a redneck if… your front porch collapses and four dogs git killed.
Jerry Clower
(1926 – 1998) American country comedian
Animals
Dogs
People
Rednecks
Porch
I’m afraid of sharks – but only in a water situation.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals
Fear
Sharks
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Animals
Cats
Characteristics
Secrets
Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet.
Bill Burr
(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian
Animals
Dogs
Pitbulls
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
George Carlin
(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Animals
Communication
Language
Disgruntled
Pig
Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.
Benjamin Franklin
(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Animals
Democracy
Elections/Voting
Government
Democracy
Lamb
Lunch
Wolves
Page 5 of 22
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