Subject: Appearance (Page 15)

How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Naseem Hamed is naturally fit. I've seen more fat on a butcher's apron.

English boxing journalist & commentator

The life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely with its price and directly with its ugliness.

The robe is a lazy man's tuxedo.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

If I look confused it is because I am thinking.

(1879 – 1974) film producer

I’ve put on some weight recently; my wife says it’s just puppy fat, but I’ve been eating other things as well.

comedian

That baby's cuter than a speckled pup in a red wagon.

I’ve got a shirt for every day of the week… it’s blue.

American humorist & public speaker

Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”


If someone told him to haul ass he'd have to make six trips.

Some men climb mountains, others date ‘em!

(1944 – ) American actor, director & producer

Why does everything you wear look like it’s bearing a grudge, darling?

(1958 – ) English comedian, screenwriter & actress

I hate thin people; “Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?”

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

G String: Gownless evening strap.

She resembles the Venus de Milo: she is very old, has no teeth, and has white spots on her yellow skin.

(1797 – 1856) German critic & poet

Never trust a man with short legs… his brain's too near his bottom.

(1899 – 1973) English playwright, actor, composer, director & songwriter

My trademarks are a hoarse, grating voice and the face of a retired pugilist: small narrowed eyes set in puffy features which look as though they might, years ago, have lost on points.

(1911 – 1986) American actor

You might be a redneck if… you own a homemade fur coat.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

I'm so physically deficient that the act of sleep injures me.

(1978 – ) American comic writer