Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Appearance
(Page 15)
Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?
Greg Giraldo
(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Appearance
Body
Places
Napoleon complex
North Korea
Shortness
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance
Body
People
Self
It's hard to feel fit as a fiddle when you're shaped like a cello.
Frank Layden
American basketball coach & executive
Appearance
Body
People
Self
Commenting on his own shape
Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
Redd Foxx
(1922 – 1991) American comedian
Appearance
Ugly
Also Dorothy Parker
Beauty
Making love to a woman is like buying real estate: location, location, location.
Carol Leifer
comedian, writer, actor & producer
Body
Sex
Women
He now looks like a Barbie doll that has been whittled at by a malicious brother.
Tom Sutcliffe
(1943 – ) English opera critic, author & journalist
Appearance
Insults
About Michael Jackson
I sight down my nose to shoot, and now my nose isn't straight since I broke it. That's why my shooting has been off.
Barrie Haynie
American basketball player
Appearance
Basketball
Body
Sports
Nose
Shooting
Sometimes when I’m bored, I like to people watch… and I got to a touristy area and I play this game I just made up; I call it “Lesbian or Midwestern?”
Bonnie McFarlane
Canadian-American comedian & writer
Appearance
People
Lesbian
Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Appearance
Insults
In the 1950's only seven percent of American women dyed their hair; today there are parts of Manhattan and Los Angeles where there are no gray-haired women at all.
Nora Ephron
(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director
Appearance
Hair
People
Women
Dye
An income tax form is like a laundry list – either way you lose your shirt.
Fred Allen
(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Clothing
Government
Taxes
Laundry
Eating will now be an entirely new ball game. I might have to buy a new pair of trousers.
Lester Piggott
English jockey
Appearance
Eating
Sports
Horse racing
On his retirement
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
Anonymous
Appearance
Body
Fat
Waist
As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.
Adam Smargon
Appearance
Body
Clothing
Hospital
I was so ugly, my mother breast fed me through a straw.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance
Hair
Self
Breast feeding
I’ve got a slight weight problem… I went to this doctor. Well, he told me I swallow a lot of aggression… along with a lot of pizzas!
John Candy
(1950 – 1994) Canadian actor & comedian
Appearance
Fat
TV/Movie Quotes
As Pvt. Dewey “Ox” Oxberger in “Stripes”
He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance
Body
People
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Muscles
She looked at me like a cow looking at a new gate.
Anonymous
Appearance
Characteristics
Expressions
Intelligence
Confusion
Puzzled
There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones; not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.
Charles 'Chic' Murray
(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Appearance
Body
Fat
It's hard having a big nose… all my pullover shirts have stretch marks.
Rick Corso
comedian
Appearance
Body
Nose
She’s like a phenomenon of nature, like Niagara Falls or the Grand Canyon; you can’t talk to it, it can’t talk to you, all you can do is stand back and be awed by it.
Nunnally Johnson
(1897 – 1977) American filmwriter, producer & director
Appearance
Body
Of Marilyn Monroe
Page 15 of 54
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It's hard to feel fit as a fiddle when you're shaped like a cello.