Subject: Appearance (Page 17)

Never try to guess your wife's size. Just buy her anything marked ‘petite’ and hold on to the receipt.

She was known as a two bagger; that’s when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

The best accessory a girl can have is her best friend.

(1981 – ) heiress, socialite, media personality & model

You would think with all the money she saves on food she could buy a dress.

(1967 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Bagpipes covered in hair.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

May I say Penny, not a lot of women could look as hot as you do with such greasy hair.

(1980 – ) American actor, comedian & musician

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realize you’re not in shape for it, it’s too far to walk back.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist

I’ve throwed away chicken bones with more meat on it than he’s got.

(1902 – 1973) American actress

She is so fat… when she takes a shower her feet don't get wet.

If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Fat is lost last where it is wanted the least. Corollary 1: Fat is lost first from areas of high desirability.
Corollary 2: With time fat flows from areas of high to low desirability.

She's so fat… when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.

If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

I’d wring your neck… if you had one.

(1899 – 1973) English playwright, actor, composer, director & songwriter

Frasier: Niles, I would shave my head for you.
Niles: A gesture which becomes less significant with each passing year.

(1959 – ) American actor

An optimist is a girl who mistakes a bulge for a curve.

(1885 – 1933) columnist & writer

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don’t have to hold things when I sleep.

(1973 – ) American comedian

He looks like the hindquarters of bad luck.

Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.

(1809 – 1865) 16th U.S. president