Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Appearance
(Page 17)
I was not a particularly small child; I was the one who always got picked to play Bethlehem in the school nativity.
‘Jo’ Brand
(1957 – ) British stand-up comedian
Appearance
Body
Childhood
I got the classic Italian male body; I got the ass of a 270-pound man and the chest of a small Romanian gymnast.
Jeff Cesario
(1953 – ) American comedian & writer
Appearance
Body
Italians
You always know when he's ready for sex, ’cause naked, he looked like one of them butterball turkeys with the little pop-up timer.
Lisa Lampanelli
Lisa Lampanelli (1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Appearance
Body
Fat
People
Sex
Naked
I told my wife that there was a chance that radiation might hurt my reproductive organs, but she said in her opinion it’s a small price to pay.
Johnny Carson
(1925 – 2005) television host
Appearance
Body
Radiation
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance
People
Self
Ugly
Mooning
I don’t suggest that her face has been lifted, but there’s a possibility that her body has been lowered.
Clive James
(1939 – ) Australian author, critic, broadcaster, poet & memoirist
Appearance
Insults
About Joan Rivers
I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body only 2” taller.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance
Body
Tattoo
Friendship is not possible between two women, one of whom is very well dressed.
Laurie Colwin
(1944 – 1992) American author
Appearance
Clothing
Friends
People
Women
The curve is more powerful than the sword.
Mae West
(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Appearance
Body
Curves
Figures Show It: Americans Putting On Those Pounds
Bismarck Tribune
Appearance
Body
Headlines
You can never be too skinny or too rich.
Barbara 'Babe' Paley
(1915 – 1978) socialite
Appearance
Body
Wealth
Thin
The sane appear as strange to the mad as the mad to the sane.
Joe Orton
(1933 – 1967) English playwright
Appearance
Intelligence
Madness
Sanity
He has turned almost alarmingly blond – he's gone past platinum, he must be plutonium; his hair is coordinated with his teeth.
Pauline Kael
(1919 – 2001) American film critic
Appearance
Insults
About Robert Redford
My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent maker.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance
Body
Fat
Girlfriends
Beauty is only skin deep, but it is a valuable asset if you are poor or have not any sense.
Frank ‘Kin’ Hubbard
(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Appearance
Beauty
I keep trying to lose weight… but it keeps finding me.
Anonymous
Appearance
Body
Fat
My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape… I choose round.
Sarah Millican
(1975 – ) English comedian
Appearance
Body
Self
I’m a character actor, which is a polite way of saying ‘ugly.’
Jim Gaffigan
(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance
Occupations
Ugly
Work
Character actors
After thirty, a body has a mind of its own.
Bette Midler
(1945 – ) singer, actress & comedian
Age
Appearance
Body
Old
She got her good looks from her father, he’s a plastic surgeon.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance
Doctors
Family
Fathers
Health
Beauty
Surgeon
It's easy to distract fat people; it's a piece of cake.
Chris Addison
(1972 – ) English standup comedian, writer & actor
Appearance
Body
Fat
Food/Drink
Cake
Page 17 of 54
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