Subject: Communication (Page 68)

My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one: She was livid… “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Animals Dogs Wordplay

It ain't a bad plan to keep still occasionally even when you know what you're talking about.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Communication Speech

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
Congress Government Politicians Speech Time

Cynic: A man who sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language

Archaeologist: A person whose career lies in ruins.

Definitions Occupations Wordplay

Diagnosis: A physician's forecast of the disease by the patient's pulse and purse.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Health Language Money

I want to take one of those English as a Second Language courses – just go in and blow everybody away on the first day.

(1962 – ) American actor & comedian
Communication Language

A writer is somebody for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people.

(1914 – 1953) Welsh-born poet & writer
Communication Reading/Writing

Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

Characteristics Communication Honesty Lies Murphy’s Laws

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Communication Language

Everything I’ve ever said will be credited to Dorothy Parker.

(1889 – 1961) Am. playwright, theater director & producer & humorist
Communication

I married way too young… she was Chinese.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.

(1720 – 1777) British dramatist, actor & theatre manager
Communication Insults

Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.

Death Government Language Taxes

So windy he could blow up an onion sack.

Communication Exaggerations Expressions Speech

Before I start speaking, I'd like to say something.

Misspokements Speech

Whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Communication Intelligence Speech

Snoring: Sheet music.

Definitions Sleep Wordplay

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Communication Life People Things

Check to see if you any words out.

Communication Language Murphy’s Laws Reading/Writing

Sparky is the only guy I know who’s written more books than he has read.

baseball broadcaster
Misspokements Reading/Writing Sports