Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Family
(Page 17)
There is no more somber enemy of good art than the pram in the hall.
Cyril Connolly
(1903 – 1974) English intellectual, literary critic & writer
Art
Children
Entertainment
Family
Creativity
Familiarity breeds contempt… and children.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Children
People
Sex
Breeds
Familiarity
Parents – especially step-parents – are sometimes a bit of a disappointment to their children; they don’t fulfill the promise of their early years.
Anthony Powell
(1905 – 2000) English writer
Children
Family
Parents
A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.
Peter De Vries
(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist
Autos
Children
Family
Mothers
Birth
Delivery
Transportation
A teen-ager out of sight is like a kite in the clouds; even though you can’t see it you feel the tug on the string.
Marcelene Cox
writer
Children
Family
Teen-ager
Bud, don't be jealous, you're both of our children. It's just that Kelly's our favorite now.
Katey Sagal
(1954 – ) American actress & singer-songwriter
Children
TV/Movie Quotes
As Peg Bundy in “Married With Children”
Jealousy
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children
Family
Situations
House
A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.
Ogden Nash
(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Children
Family
Health
Men
Women
Common cold
There’s not a man in America who at one time or another hasn’t had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.
W.C. Fields
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children
Family
Situations
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
H.L. Mencken
(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Appearance
Characteristics
Children
Intelligence
Religion
Wives
Respect
As my mother used to say, ‘You’ll get unconditional love from me when you’ve earned it.
Drew Hastings
(1954 – ) American stand-up comedian
Emotions
Family
Mothers
Relationships
Unconditional love
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
Fran Lebowitz
(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Children
Eating
Food/Drink
Money
I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.
Harry Truman
(1884 – 1972) 33rd U.S. president
Beliefs
Children
Advice
A boy becomes a man when he stops asking his father for an allowance and requests a loan.
Anonymous
Children
Family
Boys
The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf.
Bertrand Russell
(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic
Family
Fathers
Golf
Sports
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
comedian
Appearance
Body
Family
Fathers
Baldness
Hunchbacks
Never raise your hand to your children it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Robert Orben
(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Children
Conflict
People
Raise your hand
Unprotected
Believe me… if you leave twin two-year-olds alone in your living room, at some point a cow will be airborne.
Ray Romano
(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children
Family
On raising twins
Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won’t feel like watching.
Fran Lebowitz
(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Activities
Children
Family
Rainy day
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
(1988 – ) English comedian, television presenter & actor
Family
Fathers
Children are the most desirable opponents at Scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.
Fran Lebowitz
(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Activities
Children
Games
Cheat
Opponents
Scrabble
Winning
Page 17 of 34
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