Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Family
(Page 17)
Never let a child wearing Superman pajamas sleep on the top bunk.
Anonymous
Children
Family
Bunk beds
It's better to go when you have to go – than to go and find you've already gone.
Campbell's Travelling-with-the-Kids Law
Children
Murphy’s Laws
Travel
In case it is one of mine.
John Augustus
(1785 – 1859) Boston boot maker & probation reformer
Family
Patting children on the head as he passed by
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
Crane's Rule
Children
Family
Murphy’s Laws
Forbid
Get things done
A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.
Ogden Nash
(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Children
Family
Health
Men
Women
Common cold
Baby: Nine months interest on a small deposit.
Anonymous
Children
Definitions
Family
Babies
By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
(1814 – 1882) American clergyman
Family
Fathers
Intelligence
Sons
Maybe that's all that family really is, a group of people who all miss the same imaginary place.
Zach Braff
(1975 – ) actor, director, screenwriter & producer
Family
Memory
People
Relationships
Imaginary place
[My mother] is the only woman in the world who makes gravy with the Rolaids crushed right into it.
Tom Magliozzi
(1937 – 2014) American co-host of radio show “Car Talk”
Cooking
Family
Food/Drink
Mothers
My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had… so he sent me to a girls school.
Daniel Tosh
(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Education
Fathers
School
I like children… if they’re properly cooked.
W.C. Fields
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children
TV/Movie Quotes
As Augustus Winterbottom in “Tillie and Gus”
Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
Chelsea Handler
(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian, television host, actress, & author
Family
Relationships
My father is schizophrenic, but he’s good people.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family
Fathers
Health
Schizophrenia
Insanity doesn’t run in my family; it gallops.
Cary Grant
(1904 – 1986) English-American actor
Family
From the film “Arsenic and Old Lace”
Insanity
Family reunions are when relatives gather from all over to be reminded why they scattered in the first place.
Alfred E. Neuman
fictional mascot and cover boy of
Mad
, an American humor magazine
Activities
Family
Relationships
Family reunions
He’s going around putting little covers over the electrical outlets and all that stuff, and I’m like, ‘How the kids going to learn about electricity, huh?’
Wanda Sykes
(1964 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actress, television host
Children
Family
Childproofing
Safety
My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own parenthood, but it didn’t because parenting can be learned only by people who have no children.
Bill Cosby
(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children
Family
Parents
Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids.
Anonymous
Children
Family
Sex
Wordplay
Kids
As a child my parents said they believed in Santa Claus but that I didn’t exist.
Richard Lewis
(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family
Parents
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Children
Health
Medicine
Tranquilizers
I wasn’t really that informed about the two-year-old; oh, I’d read about them, and occasionally I’d see documentaries on the Discovery Channel showing two-year-olds in the wild, where they belong.
Ray Romano
(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children
Family
Page 17 of 34
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