Subject: Family (Page 21)

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Eating Food/Drink Mothers Ugly

Sterilize: What you do to your baby’s first pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it on your shirt.

Definitions Family

Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Family

The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.

typographer
Family Relationships Sex

My family taught me to take regrets one day at a time.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family

What's the advantage of having a kid at 49?… you can both be in diapers at the same time?

stand-up comedian
Age Children Old

Because you are feeding both the child and the floor, raising this child will be expensive.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Family Food/Drink Money

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Beliefs Children God Religion

You might be a redneck if… you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Fathers People Rednecks

It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins.

Children Money Proverbs Sex

You might be a redneck if… you've got more than three cousins named 'Bubba'.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Family People Rednecks

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Children Health

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Communication Language

Sh*t on my Hands: A Down and Dirty Companion to Early Parenthood

Book Titles Family

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Children Family People Women

Big sisters are the crabgrass in the lawn of life.

cartoon character, Peanuts, Charles Schulz (1922 – 2000) cartoonist
Family

Don’t bother discussing sex with small children… they rarely have anything to add.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Children Communication Conversation Family Sex Speech

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Autos Children Family Things

My mother was the worst cook ever; in school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Clothing Cooking Family Food/Drink Mothers

A gypsy girl sent an email to an [advice columnist] “I am 12 years old and haven’t had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer?”

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Family

Children should neither be seen nor heard from… ever again.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children Time