Subject: Family (Page 26)

If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Baseball Children Money Sports Wealth

Fathers should neither be seen nor heard; that is the only proper basis for family life.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Family Fathers

Bud, don't be jealous, you're both of our children. It's just that Kelly's our favorite now.

(1954 – ) American actress & singer-songwriter
Children TV/Movie Quotes

When I was younger, I really wanted a skateboard but my parents couldn't afford one; so one morning, I woke up early and went to the garage, I got some wood and some nails… and beat my parents to death.

My foster parents bought me 5 skateboards.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Parents Things

If you don’t believe in ghosts, you’ve never been to a family reunion.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Family

There is a special bathroom in heaven for the father of girls.

Children Family

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.

(1959 – ) American comedian
Age Children Ideas

Any man that has never seen a baby emerge from another person’s body will walk around for months just going, ‘Oh my God; what else don’t I know about Planet Earth?’

(1955 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & impressionist
Children Family Science/Weather

A child of five would understand this; send someone to fetch a child of five.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Children Family Intelligence Understanding

I dedicate this show to my dad who was a roofer… so dad, if you’re up there…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Fathers Occupations Work

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won’t bring their kids over to your house?

(1967 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Children Friends People Travel

A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Beliefs Children Family Parents Religion

Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Family

Twin: A double-take.

Definitions Family

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.

(1950 – ) American cartoonist Cathy
Emotions Food/Drink Love Mothers Work

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving… he said it was elevator practice.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Age Family Things Young

Nepotism is when the corporate ladder is built from the lumber of your family tree.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Family Relationships

Friends are God’s apology for relations.

(1889 – 1949) British writer & journalist
Family Friends People

White babies are disgusting… they’re like regular babies that aren’t ripe yet.

(1983 – ) American comedian & actor
Family People

Children aren’t happy with nothing to ignore, And that’s what parents were created for.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Children Family Fathers Mothers Parents

Grandchildren can be f**king annoying – how many times can you go ‘And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink’? It’s like talking to a supermodel.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Children Family