Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Family
(Page 32)
Nepotism: A form of favoritism – relatively speaking.
Anonymous
Definitions
Family
Nepotism
With the birth of a child you lose two novels.
Candia McWilliam
(1955 – ) Scottish writer
Books
Children
Communication
Family
Reading/Writing
Cambridge is the kind of place where you can walk into a children’s bookstore and find a self-help section.
Jonathan Katz
(1946 – ) American comedian, actor & voice actor
Children
Intelligence
Places
Cambridge
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents’ shortcomings.
Dr. Laurence J. Peter
(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Failure
Family
Confessing
Faults
Psychiatry
Shortcomings
Twins: Infant replay.
Anonymous
Children
Definitions
Family
Twins
When I was kidnapped my parents snapped into action… they rented out my room.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Family
Parents
Self
Situations
Kidnapped
If I had a baby, I would have to name it so I’d buy a baby naming book… or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Children
Family
Babies
Names
The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.
Lenny Bruce
(1923 – 1966) stand-up comedian, writer, social critic & satirist
Family
Relationships
Sex
Anonymous donors
Daughter
I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father; he said he wanted more proof.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Fathers
People
Self
Finger
Kidnapped
Proof
Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.
James Baldwin
(1924 – 1987) American novelist, writer, playwright, poet & civil rights activist
Children
Family
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.
Dave Barry
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Children
Family
People
Women
Choice
Good
I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.
Mary Karr
(1955 – ) American poet, essayist & memoirist
Family
Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them.
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
(1900 – 1944) French aristocrat, writer, poet & pioneering aviator
Children
Family
Intelligence
Parents
Adults
In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
Bill Engvall
(1957 – ) American comedian
Activities
Family
Travel
Wright brothers
The Good Mommies’ Guide To Raising (Almost) Perfect Daughters
Ms. Nonnie Jules
Book Titles
Family
Mothers
Daughters
Raised by two mothers? … Wow, most of us barely survive one.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Family
Mothers
Taking care of a newborn baby means devoting yourself, body and soul, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, to the welfare of someone whose major response, in the way of positive reinforcement, is to throw up on you.
Dave Barry
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Children
Family
Babies
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that’s the law.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Age
Family
Old
Parents
Places
Florida
Every child has a right to go to high school and end up with a third grade education.
Pat Paulsen
(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Children
Education
Learning
School
To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both seems like carelessness.
Oscar Wilde
(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Family
Parents
Relationships
Carelessness
Misfortune
Believe me… if you leave twin two-year-olds alone in your living room, at some point a cow will be airborne.
Ray Romano
(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children
Family
On raising twins
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