Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Family
(Page 32)
I would like to give these kids a good home; in fact, there’s one a few miles away from here…
Bernie Mac (McCullough)
(1957 – 2008) American comedian & actor
Children
Family
Do not nurse a kid who wears braces.
Nursing Mother Principle
Children
Family
Mothers
Situations
Braces
Nursing
My son is 21… he’ll be 22 if I let him.
Henny Youngman
(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Age
Children
Family
Son
When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove Illinois; when I was twelve, I found them.
Emo Phillips
(1956 – ) American comedian
Family
Self
Situations
Moving
When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring; when she was in a good mood it turned blue… in a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.
Jeff Shaw
comedian
Family
Mothers
Mood rings
What’s the point of having children if you can’t buy their love?
Homer Simpson
cartoon character in
The Simpsons
(Dan Castellaneta)
Children
Emotions
Family
Love
TV/Movie Quotes
You can learn many things from children… how much patience you have for instance.
Franklin Jones
(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
Children
Education
Family
Learning
Patience
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
Fran Lebowitz
(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Children
Eating
Food/Drink
Money
Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.
Doug Larson
(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Children
Family
Teenagers
The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.
Quentin Crisp
(1908 – 1999) English writer
Children
Never let a child wearing Superman pajamas sleep on the top bunk.
Anonymous
Children
Family
Bunk beds
No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.
Erma Bombeck
(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Family
Mothers
Holidays
There is no reciprocity; men love women, women love children, children love hamsters.
Alice Thomas Ellis
Anna Haycraft (1932 – 2005) English writer & essayist
Children
Emotions
Love
Men
Women
Hamsters
Out of the mouths of babes comes cereal.
Anonymous
Children
Family
Wordplay
Babies
My mother said it was simple to keep a man: you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom; I said I’d hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit.
Jerry Hall
(1956 – ) American model & actress
Family
Men
Mothers
People
Relationships
Sex
Advice
You know, it was only after my father showed me what I would inherit that I struggled to keep him alive.
Simon Munnery
(1967 – ) English comedian
Family
Fathers
Parents: The one thing children wear out faster than shoes.
Anonymous
Definitions
Family
Parents
I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.
Monica Piper
American comedian & writer
Children
People
Parole
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Children
Family
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
Erma Bombeck
(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Children
Family
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.
Charlie Viracola
(1973 – ) American stand-up comedian
Family
Parents
Situations
Christmas
Santa Claus
Page 32 of 34
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