Subject: Family (Page 34)

Telling a teenager the facts of life is like giving a fish a bath.

(1905 –1998) American author
Children Family Sex

I live in a two-income household… but who knows how long my mom can keep that up.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Family Money Mothers Travel Work

You might be a redneck if… you've got more than three cousins named 'Bubba'.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Family People Rednecks

Parenthood is a lot easier to get into than out of.

(1941 – ) poet, author, editor & anthologist
Children Family Situations

The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system; the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Children Family

Nepotism is when the corporate ladder is built from the lumber of your family tree.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Family Relationships

Children should neither be seen nor heard from… ever again.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children Time

I can’t wait till Sunday, I’m gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece.

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress
Family

Universal peace sounds ridiculous to the head of an average family.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Family Relationships Situations

Necessity is the mother of taking chances.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Family Ideas Intelligence Mothers Situations

I worry about my nan; if she’s alone and falls, does she make a noise? I’m joking, she’s dead.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Family Health

Alarm clock: An instrument used to wake up people who have no kids.

Children Definitions Family Things

You might be a redneck if… your child’s first words are “Attention Kmart shoppers!

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Children Family People Rednecks Speech

To me life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Children Family Life

Sterilize: What you do to your baby’s first pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it on your shirt.

Definitions Family

The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf.

(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic
Family Fathers Golf Sports

Heredity: The thing a child gets from the other side of the family.

writer
Definitions Family

We are the people our parents warned us about.

(1946 – ) singer, songwriter, author & businessman
Family Parents People

Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids.

Children Family Sex Wordplay