Subject: Family (Page 34)

I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.

American comedian & writer
Children People

Except that right-side-up is best, there is not much to learn about holding a baby.

(1918 – 2001) American sportswriter, commentator & actor
Children Family People Travel

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50; so I said, “Give me two boys and a girl.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Entertainment Money

Newfoundland dogs are good to save children from drowning, but you must have a pond of water handy and a child, or else there will be no profit in boarding a Newfoundland.

(1818 – 1885) humorist
Animals Children Dogs

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.' I’d say ‘Yeah? When?'

Family Fathers

As a general thing, when a woman wears the pants in a family, she has a good right to them.

(1818 – 1885) humorist
Family Women

The same parent who tells you it’s time to find yourself will also tell you to get lost.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Family Parents

I’d be the only dad keeping his kids home from school to teach me how to get to the next level on a video game.

comedian
Children Family Fathers

My dad has a weird hobby; he collects empty bottles… which sounds so much better than “alcoholic.”

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Alcohol Fathers Food/Drink

My wife and I decided we don’t want children; if someone wants them, we’ll drop them off tomorrow.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Children Family

I told my kids, “Someday, you’ll have kids of your own.” One of them said, “So will you.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Children Family People Self

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Cooking Eating Food/Drink Mothers Relationships

Dad taught me everything I know; unfortunately, he didn’t teach me everything he knows.

(1962 – ) American race car driver
Education Family Fathers Learning

Can I Sit on Your Lap While You’re Pooping?

Book Titles Children

I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.

(1988 – ) English comedian, television presenter & actor
Family Fathers

My mother said it was simple to keep a man: you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom; I said I’d hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit.

(1956 – ) American model & actress
Family Men Mothers People Relationships Sex

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Family Mothers

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.

(1973 – ) American stand-up comedian
Family Parents Situations

Time moves slower in a fast moving vehicle.

Children Murphy’s Laws Time