Subject: Family (Page 4)

[A successful parent is one] who raises a child who grows up and is able to pay for his or her own psychoanalysis.

(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn’t help me at all.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Are you ever walking down the street and you see some guy you kind of know, and you don’t want to say hi, but you sort of have to because he’s your dad?

stand-up comedian, writer & actor

Wrinkles are hereditary; parents get them from their children.

(1924 – ) American actress & singer

I wasn’t really that informed about the two-year-old; oh, I’d read about them, and occasionally I’d see documentaries on the Discovery Channel showing two-year-olds in the wild, where they belong.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter

I can always tell when the mother-in-law’s coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

(1931 – 1993) English comedian

I actually adopted a baby; I wanted a highway, but it was a lot of red tape.

stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

I refuse to admit I'm more than 52, even if that does make my sons illegitimate.

(1879 – 1964) British politician

I have the heart of a child; I keep it in a jar on my shelf.

(1917 – 1994) American writer

I really wanted kids when I was in my early 20s but I could just never… lure them into my car; no, I'm kidding… I don’t have a license.

(1980 – ) Australian comedian

Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

You might be a redneck if… anyone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y’all watch this!”

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Parenthood is a lot easier to get into than out of.

(1941 – ) poet, author, editor & anthologist

I can be President of the United States, or I can control Alice [his daughter], I cannot possibly do both.

(1858 – 1919) 26th U.S. president

When I hear a baby, I always write down the noises he makes, so later I can ask him what he meant.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Lawyers, I suppose, were children once.

(1775 – 1834) English critic & essayist

Heredity: The thing a child gets from the other side of the family.

writer

… without embarrassing parents there’d be no psychology.

(1955 – ) American actor, comedian, producer, director & singer