Subject: Family (Page 4)

[A successful parent is one] who raises a child who grows up and is able to pay for his or her own psychoanalysis.

(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director
Children Family Parents Success

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn’t help me at all.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Doctors Family Health

Are you ever walking down the street and you see some guy you kind of know, and you don’t want to say hi, but you sort of have to because he’s your dad?

stand-up comedian, writer & actor
Family Fathers

Wrinkles are hereditary; parents get them from their children.

(1924 – ) American actress & singer
Appearance Children Family Parents

I wasn’t really that informed about the two-year-old; oh, I’d read about them, and occasionally I’d see documentaries on the Discovery Channel showing two-year-olds in the wild, where they belong.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family

I can always tell when the mother-in-law’s coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

(1931 – 1993) English comedian
Family Insults

I actually adopted a baby; I wanted a highway, but it was a lot of red tape.

stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer
Children Family

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Family Mothers

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Family Relationships Science/Weather

I refuse to admit I'm more than 52, even if that does make my sons illegitimate.

(1879 – 1964) British politician
Age Children Old

I have the heart of a child; I keep it in a jar on my shelf.

(1917 – 1994) American writer
Children Science/Weather

I really wanted kids when I was in my early 20s but I could just never… lure them into my car; no, I'm kidding… I don’t have a license.

(1980 – ) Australian comedian
Children Communication Family Wordplay

Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Characteristics Family Situations

You might be a redneck if… anyone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y’all watch this!”

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Family People Rednecks Situations

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Books Children Reading/Writing

Parenthood is a lot easier to get into than out of.

(1941 – ) poet, author, editor & anthologist
Children Family Situations

I can be President of the United States, or I can control Alice [his daughter], I cannot possibly do both.

(1858 – 1919) 26th U.S. president
Children Family

When I hear a baby, I always write down the noises he makes, so later I can ask him what he meant.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Communication Family

Lawyers, I suppose, were children once.

(1775 – 1834) English critic & essayist
Age Children Government Law Lawyers Young

Heredity: The thing a child gets from the other side of the family.

writer
Definitions Family

… without embarrassing parents there’d be no psychology.

(1955 – ) American actor, comedian, producer, director & singer
Family Parents TV/Movie Quotes